Kim and I are both people who did not spend a lot of our lives doing what people call “partying”. That is to say, I don’t drink at all and Kim only drinks a little. We both like music (Kim, obviously, more than me), but we tend to like it in combination with some form of storytelling like musical theater or thematic cabaret. Neither of us is particularly inclined towards rock concerts and what I will call head-banging. Neither of us was ever into drugs. I guess that leaves sex from the array of “Drugs, Sex and Rock’n’Roll”, and whatever sex we enjoyed, I suspect it was à deux and not in some orgiastic mele (despite my having been invited a few times to join into Brazilian surubas). And yet, we are both people who enjoy throwing parties. In fact, we have our neighborhood holiday party tonight and everything is all set. We have lived on this hilltop for six years now and while we have dined with many different friends in the neighborhood, there is only one other couple who seem to be inclined as we are to put themselves out to throw larger parties. Their party this year is scheduled for two nights after ours. We will have 40 or so attending our party and they will probably have twice that number. We probably do 80-person parties twice a year (once for the broader hilltop and once for Kim’s singing entourage), both during the warmer season when we can make them more of a garden party or barbecue than an indoor affair. In addition, we probably do another three or four family-focused gatherings that can be called parties, especially since we always seem to make them for family and friends, usually around national holidays like Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Easter, Halloween or Christmas.
This morning I was filling paper lanterns with fine pebbles to weigh them down before putting votive lights in them to line the driveway. I paused and wondered why I like doing this sort of mindless work for others’ enjoyment when many other people just couldn’t be bothered. There are certainly some people who just don’t like parties, no matter who’s throwing them. As you hear people say all the time, “it’s just not their thing.” But there are also plenty of people who always like attending parties, but just don’t want to be bothered throwing them. Why do I like doing what they so prefer not to do? I know myself well enough to say that it certainly isn’t for lack of laziness on my part. I can exhibit as much laziness as anyone…so it’s not that.
My observation is that people vary widely in whether or not they host parties due to several key factors. The first is based on personality and energy (as distinct from laziness). Extroverts often gain energy from hosting and being around groups, while introverts may find it draining. Kim and I clearly have extroverted personalities. Kim likes to perform and I like to blather on mostly telling stories. Some people genuinely enjoy the planning, organizing, and social orchestration involved. That would also be us. I am an inveterate planner and Kim likes to orchestrate. It’s why I plan trips and am always early to everything and its why she is co-president of the Garden Club even though she rarely gardens. Lot of others prefer smaller, one-on-one interactions to parties, which is to say, they don’t mind being outgoing and hosting, they just like to do it in much smaller and more controlled ways.
There are also practical circumstances to be considered. Living situation matters. Having space, privacy, and a suitable home makes hosting much easier. Unlike some, who buy or build their homes for entertaining, I doubt either Kim or I thought about that when we bought this place. It did factor into Kim’s kitchen redesign a few years ago, but we are just lucky that the place is very accommodative for parties. Certainly to a degree, financial resources affect ability to provide food, drinks, and entertainment, but I doubt that is so much of a constraint since everyone is always willing to chip in and make the event a pot-luck since their interest in socializing combined with their hesitancy to host, makes the whole pot-luck shared cost approach very acceptable. I’m sure time and life stage (busy parents, demanding jobs, etc.) limit hosting capacity, but Kim and I have been together for 20 years and we have been busy or constrained to various degrees over that time without it impacting our party-throwing instincts.
Thinking about Pat & Joe, the other couple giving a party in two days, they are newer to the hilltop and I suspect that they have what I would call strong cocial motivations for being party-throwers. They are newer to the area and want to establish a coterie of friends. Some use parties to build social capital, network, or maintain friend groups, but that sounds too contrived for either Pat & Joe or us. Some feel obligated by reciprocity norms (“they hosted us, so we should host them”), but that doesn’t seem to factor in to anything going on on this hilltop. Cultural background can influence expectations around hospitality as well. I see it in the way Faraj & Yasuko entertain. They don’t give big parties, but their gatherings always feel like they are driven by a cultural imperative to be gracious and hosting capacity others. I believe with Kim and me, it is that we like being givers and doing for others. It is more self-serving than it seems because we both derive a lot of pleasure out of serving others. It seems baked into our psyches.
People who don’t host parties often socialize in other ways. They meet at restaurants, do activities (like Mike & Melisa, who take people on hikes) or do smaller gatherings (the tendencies for both Faraj & Yasuko and Mike & Melisa). Not hosting doesn’t necessarily mean less social; it’s just a different approach. Some people prefer controlling their environment and schedule. I would say that characterizes Mike to a tee. Others feel anxious about hosting responsibilities (what if people don’t have fun? what if something goes wrong?). I have known people like that and they almost invariably either cater their gatherings or just avoid them altogether.
Most people fall somewhere on a spectrum rather than being pure “hosts” or “non-hosts.” Our social circles usually develops reciprocal patterns where different people contribute in different ways., which is all just fine. But the reality for us remains that we enjoy hosting parties and seeing people have a good time, especially during the holidays. We watched a movie last night that I had seen before, but which Kim had not. It is a John Cusack movie called Serendipity and it is about two people who meet and spend years looking for each other. The most notable line in that film is when Jeremy Pliven says to Cusack that the ancient Greeks did not believe in eulogizing people other than to ask one question about them…did they have passion. I like that Kim and I are passionate people and that one of our passions is to be giving to others…like hosting big parties whenever the spirit strikes us. Party on!