What Matters

I am wide awake yet again tonight. If someone asked me if I have trouble sleeping, I don’t think I would say I do. But there are nights like tonight that are enough to make me wonder. I know all the things you are supposed to do to get a good night’s sleep and equally all the things you are supposed to not do to keep yourself from getting a good night’s sleep, but that seems to matter not in the middle of the night.

I would separate the primary issues as environment, body physics, worry and anticipation. That makes two physical and two emotional causes for sleep or sleeplessness. As important as each of these may be to a sound sleep, I’m not sure attaining perfection in any of them really necessarily solves the problem on any given night.

A cooler, darker bedroom with a comfortable bed and whatever paraphernalia are necessary for you (in my case a CPAP with a tight seal mask and a distilled water humidifier, in Kim’s case earplugs and occasionally an eyemask), is an important baseline. As the saying goes, these are necessary but not sufficient. We have a good Nest thermostat with the ease of scheduling as well as a Big Ass automatic ceiling fan to keep the airflow conducive. The bed is a top-of-the-line Saatva pillow-top mattress that is as comfortable as any I’ve ever slept in. Control over the environment has certainly achieved a certain state-of-the-art condition and I would be hard-pressed to suggest that it isn’t tuned perfectly to our needs. Some prefer natural ventilation to the air conditioning we use, but I feel we are better able to keep the environment in a tight band of perfection as we have it.

In terms of body physics, a year or two ago I had lots of complaints that related mostly to hips, knees, shoulders and back. Something always seemed to hurt. It was less about falling asleep and far more about staying asleep. My aches and pains were a nightly phenomenon that I know cost me many hours of rest and left me somewhat ornery in the morning. I was convinced that it was just a part of getting older and some combination of my bulk and insufficiency of adequate exercise. My best friend at night was my Advil PM, which may or may not have lost its punch for me, but was always in use. And then my daughter said, why not try a stretch place. I’m coming up on two years of twice weekly 40-minute stretch sessions that I rarely miss. For over a year now I have felt significantly less aches and pains and would go so far as to quietly suggest that I’ve found a cure them…almost in totality. The shoulders got better first. Then the hips got to the point where I rarely feel any hip discomfort. The knees are not an issue anymore. And the lower back is still prone to standing or walking weakness, but does not bother me under any other circumstance and not at all at night. I am prepared to accept that aging will always keep physical aches and pains near at hand, but for now they simply gone. Thank you Stretch-U.

Anticipation is one of the great motivators in life. Kim and I often talk about how the best part of travel is looking forward to a trip. For years I have recognized the psychological benefit of keeping a well-paced calendar of events to look forward to. I often ask people what they are looking forward to most. I feel that is far more insightful and interesting a topic than asking someone how they are. It forces them to think forward and that is the best space any of us can occupy to find the happiness we all crave in our lives. When I see friends and family that are without plans for their next fun event, I see people who are either overworked and slogging through (to what I don’t understand), or people who are forced to live small and are prone to depression because their existence has less future than is needed for an optimistic outlook. But all that considered, the anticipation of things that need to be done or placed that need to be gone to, does cause one yo lose some sleep. I’m guessing that the more organized and compulsive we are, the more this affects us. For some it’s the positive element of excitement. For others it’s the concern of not wanting to forget anything g or underperform in any way. But the good news is that unless you are manic in filling your schedule, this anticipatory cause of sleeplessness should be no more than episodic.

Last but not least there is the issue of worry. I know some might think anticipation is just a form of worry, but I think it’s too much a positive force to relegate to a negative category like worry. We all worry about different things and to different degrees. Everyone says, “don’t sweat the small stuff”, which seems like sound advice, but small is in the mind of the beholder. I don’t know that I have a comprehensive list of worries, but I’m pretty sure that health, wealth and obligation top the list. And, of course, the world may center on yourself, but we are all subject to worries about the concentric circles of those in our lives. You are as happy as your unhappiest child is a truism that seems universal, and if it were easy to define the spouses, other family members and friends that inhabit those concentric circles, the expression would certainly capture them as well. We are all admonished by the serenity poem to let go of those worries that we cannot change and to be wise in understanding the difference between them and those things we can indeed change, but that thought process alone constitutes a basis for worry, so I’m not sure that solves the sleep problem. I’m sure that many sleepless nights result from trying to find the wisdom to know the difference.

As for palliatives for sleeplessness, counting sheep helps some. Others read or watch TV. I tend to write, which is probably the worst thing to do since its appeal has everything to do with engaging a broader swath of the brain than passive activities require. But it’s what I like to do yo soothe myself. Indeed, sleep is all about soothing yourself in whatever way makes you most vulnerable to skipping out of consciousness. I am far less able to analyze how to stay asleep since that requires exploration of the unconscious mind and who among us other than neuroscientists know what goes on in there. The one thing I know that makes everything better is the light of morning. I see it breaking outside right now as I write. And perhaps that is what matters most. The fact that a new day or even the awareness that there will always be a new day dawning will always make everything better.