We Come and We Go
There are two schools of thought when it comes to personality. One is we are who we are and that we never change. I guess you would call that the “nature” camp. The opposite would logically be the “nurture” side which believes that we are all a function of our environment and that we are constantly changing. While I am certain that people think about these issues in the context of their friends and acquaintances, those of us who spend the most time thinking about it are we who are surrounded by siblings and children, the people we know our and their whole lives. The people who we see from their youngest state until the day they or we die. It is in part this totality of observation that makes their personalities such things of wonder to us, but it is also the fact that these are the people we presumably care the most about in life and who most influence our lives. It is often said that we are as happy as our unhappiest child, but it might equally be said that we are as ponderous and familiar with our siblings as we are about ourselves.
Kim and I are both the youngest sibling of a three-child family. The full range age of the six of us (2 male and 4 female) is twelve years, with birth years ranging from 1946 to 1958. That makes us solidly a Baby Boomer cohort. Since Kim and I have only known one another for eighteen years now, we have seen each other’s siblings in their life progressions for approximately 25% of their lives. I really don’t know if personality migration occurs more in youth or old age, so let’s just say that means we have seen 25% of whatever change there has been. In contrast, if we drop down a generation to the Millennials (for the most art), that cohort’s children totals nine (6 male and 3 female) who range in age from 28 to 44 with an average age of 40 and thus who we have known for 45% of their lives. As for the grandchildren (of which there are 10 at the moment and counting), since they range from 1 to 14 and are Generation Alpha, we have known them all for 100% of their lives. I should note that a total of 72% of the people fall on my side of the ledger versus Kim’s, not that I have figured out how that might bias the outcome. If you throw in spouses (I am the main contributor to multiplicity in that regard), we can add another 7 to the oldest grouping and 9 to the children’s significant others. This makes it an interesting study to consider the issue of personality drift among three generations of two families where our observations are either complete but unfinished (in the case of the youngest) or incomplete and yet close to being finished (in the case of the oldest).
I learned long ago that the only thing worse than talking about other family members is writing about them. Therefore, I am not about to name names in this story, but rather make some observations without attribution since sensitivities run high on such fronts. I suspect that we as a group are more rational and aware of these facets of one another’s personalities than average. We are a fairly observant and astute group of people with some range in intellect (both cerebral and emotional), but mostly bright and well-educated and thus at the higher end of the self-awareness range. I feel that the sensitivities that might exist about any observations of these 41 souls has less to do with an inability to see what I see, but rather a tendency to want to keep private these issues either for some sense of general discretion or perhaps just to spare any angst to people with whom we are closest. While I don’t think I would win a vote among the group as the most difficult personality (I’m sure I would garner a few votes in that category), I do suspect that I would be a leading candidate for the most willing to stir the pot. That awareness makes me seek anonymity in generalities and yet it also makes me driven to make comments that could easily land me in hot water somewhere or somehow.
By now I suspect I have the rapt attention of a good part of this group of 41 that can read or might choose to read my stories. They are all wondering, none less than my dear Kim, exactly where I am going with all of this preamble. Well, my main observation about personality drift is the obvious one, that we are all a blend of nature and nurture, but that some of us are more prone to stasis where others of us are more likely to drift with circumstance and experience. To begin with, we all come out of the womb as distinct individuals that are a composite of 200,000 years or more or less 7,000 generations of ancestry. None of us know too much about more than three or perhaps four generations of our family from direct observation, so we tend to link both looks and personality to those who we know. This child is like that ancestor in this way is a very normal observation, but is at best a rough approximation that may or may not be accurate. I have three children and they are more different than alike. I can generally say that about all of the nine sibling groupings in our small universe. There are certainly sibling similarities that come through, but mostly we are all more different than alike. In fact, and despite the common credo that opposites attract, I would argue that the spouses in the group (and I obviously exclude ex-spouses from this observation) are more alike than are the siblings with one another. This strikes me as logical since whether through choice or the passage of time, likes do seem to attract. I am more like Kim than any of my siblings and I think the same is true of Kim.
The range of changeability of the people in this group is quite broad. There are some that seem quite set in their ways and have traits that have been exhibited for many, many years. There are others that are far more chameleon-like and are constantly evolving. It’s hard to tell if some of us would prefer to be known as stable or changeable, so I will stay away from identifying those who I see in either category. But what I also see is that the most stable of personalities also exhibit aspects of change over time just as those who are constantly changing have some more stable characteristics. I can only judge people on different spectrum against my own scale but I see some who I would have characterized as difficult or easy (that being one basic spectrum I choose to call out) that have become less difficult or less easy and vice versa. I think of my oldest sister (I feel I am on safe ground with this comment) as someone who I found extraordinarily difficult in youth and who I characterize regularly as being much more mellow in her older age. I have no doubt that she sees the world in that regard very differently than I do, but I suspect I would win a group vote on that count.
I am probably impacted more by the personality drift or not of the oldest generation, but it is the youngest that I find more interesting to comment about since we have seen all of their lifespan and tend to do so episodically and as such can more easily note the changes. Difficult and easy may be a somewhat more superficial observation when its between a wider age range of generations (tolerance being a wasting asset among us generally), but I see the younger folks moving from difficult to easier over time with few exceptions. That is a very positive trend, particularly since it is the lot of the older generation to worry about “those crazy kids” more than we should. That allows me to conclude that it is futile to worry too much about anyone else’s personality. It is what it is and will be what it will be and there is little any of us can do but show kindness to them and hope for the best. The best reason is that there is little or nothing we can do to make it otherwise. We come and we go and that’s really all there is to it.