Time Warping
The folks at 23andMe always like to surprise me about what they can give me for value added from one little swab of spit taken from me several years ago (probably three or four years). They are regularly using my chromosomal blueprint to cross-reference me to new and distant members of my family that I have little or no interest in connect with. But they also like to make observations about my lifestyle or genetic lifestyle predispositions that I will find interesting. They aren’t often trying to sell me something new, but they are certainly trying to impress me with factoids about myself that might cause me to either want more details from them (presumably at some sort of report cost) or to brag about their services to others to help induce their new client efforts.
Today, while I am juggling two arbitration hearing on two separate computer platforms and still trying to stay up on my emails and household deliveries. One such delivery is a large (14”x14”x14”) FedEx box that is carefully sealed with transparent tape for which I am under specific instructions to not open until I am called in one of the arbitration hearings. That seems like an over abundance of drama for an expert witness, but I guess the art of litigation surprise is a well-developed skill that some lawyers take very seriously. Nonetheless, there on my office floor sits this sealed box for use later in the week…we hope…since the hearing is trudging forward very slowly. I used an unusual overlap of breaks in the two hearings to run to the front door to see if the box had come and then carrying it back along with something resembling lunch. Can you imagine such a busy guy as myself having to make his own lunch!? But wait, it is only about 10:30am and while I have been going for 4.5 hours, they are still serving Egg McMuffins at McDonald’s, which I deem to be the final arbiter of whether it is lunch time or breakfast time. But then, arbitration #1 is taking place in NY and thus Eastern Daylight Time and arbitration #2 is taking place in Kansas City and thus Central Daylight Time. That means that 10:30am here is 12:30pm in KC and 1:30pm in NYC.
I explained in a prior story that I have been up this morning since 4:09am for God knows what reason. So I am ready for lunch since there is no McDonalds handy and since I’ve been working more on EDT than PDT. But Kim is out seeing to Blind Betty’s path towards being less-blind and is out with her for the day. Lucky for me there is some leftover Chinese food and while I loathe leftovers (attribute that to being the only boy in a family of three distracted women who didn’t prioritize my need for fresh home cooking). When fending for myself this morning, I found leftovers acceptable so Chinese noodles and a few cold potstickers were the menu. That and a Diet Pepsi.
Now back to 23andMe. Their message to me today is that I had a very important report in my file about how caffeine consumption affects me. I am not generally a person who feels I suffer from some sort of edginess due to excessive caffeine. What I do know is that if someone gives me a caffeine-free soda, I don’t usually like it (at least not one that is supposed to have caffeine). I know that many people think I drink too much caffeine or at least too much diet soda in a day, which may, indeed be the case. Anyway, when I saw the email from 23andMe about my caffeine consumption and since much of my day today involves listening to things I do not need to know in anticipation of things turning to what I do need to know, I took a moment to glance at the 23andMe report they were referencing. Other than the usual hassle of whether the password has changed since I last accessed the site from the particular instrument I am trying to use at the moment, I got in. What I learned is that according to 23andMe, I am genetically LESS inclined to consume caffeine than the normal person. According to their scale, I will likely consume 217 mg/day versus the norm of 256 mg/day. They go on to say that 400 mg/day is the daily maximum healthy amount. Good to know I might be inclined to take in less caffeine.
Now let’s start by explaining that I do not like coffee or tea and never drink the former and rarely drink the latter. That alone leads me to think that 23andMe got this predisposition more or less right. However, there is that caffeine in the diet sodas. While I probably drink 6-10 diet sodas per day, I would estimate that only 4-7 of them are caffeinated. I am staring at my Diet Pepsi can and it says it has 35 mg of caffeine, so assuming that is a universal caffeinated soda level, that means 23andMe thinks that I will consume 6.2 cans per day and the FDA or AMA have set a maximum healthy limit of 11 cans/day. Either way, I seem to be spot on plan for caffeinated diet soda consumption, both in terms of the genetic predisposition and in terms of my habits staying within the bounds of good health. What is that I want to say to all those who think I drink too much of the stuff….probably something that sounds like neiner, neiner, neiner.
What amazes me about all of this is that genetics and the study of the human genome has advanced to the stage of being able to make this sort of determination from that little bit of spittle 3-4 years ago. As for my need for caffeine, I am going to say this: if I have too many more 4am morning and I have too many more days with multiple arbitration hearing to juggle, I may well need to exceed those genetic predispositions and FDA/AMA warning levels and just bulk-up my consumption of caffeinated diet soda. No amount of time warping and circadian modification of my biorhythms will ever make me drink coffee, but a few more Diet Pepsis may certainly find their way to my not-yet-delicate stomach lining.