The Joy of Disconnecting
I’ve been away for two weeks and while I was keeping up with my emails and even sending a few of my own, I was not watching any TV (zero, none) and that means that I was not watching any MSNBC or CNN news. Our regular routine is that I watch MSNBC from about 6pm through and until close to midnight. I may take a breather for a movie if one I see appeals to me, but I try to get back to the news for Lawrence O’Donnell at 10pm and certainly for the day’s wrap-up with Brian Williams at 11pm. To many people who have religiously watched the news for years, this does not strike them as strange or out of line, but for someone who spent his life reading the obligatory morning news (especially that with a financial bent in the Wall Street Journal and New York Times) and rarely even bothered with the evening news, this is a big change for me. And it is especially big because as a young adult who lived through Watergate, I steadfastly tuned out events in Washington. The culprit who brought me back into the political arena is none other than my favorite punching bag, Donald J. Trump.
This news-watching pattern began in late 2016 and has continued now into its third year. My wife (who is generally less interested in geopolitical affairs than I am) is suddenly as interested in the news as I am (hers being a decidedly more social justice bent). We share a common scorn for all things Trump and most things Republican. She wearies of it late at night more than I do and is prone to move to HGTV Beachfront House Hunters, which is interesting since she has no interest whatsoever in living on the beach or really even going to the beach (she is fair-skinned). We both know the evening line-up and we both watch Morning Joe on weekdays and the equivalents on Saturday and Sunday. We even agreed to install a fourth TV in our relatively small apartment in the den where we both work at our desktop computers. We cannot seem to be disconnected for a moment since Mr. Trump is prone to doing unbelievable things that cause us shock and awe at all times of the day or night. One time we agreed to not watch right before bedtime for fear that it was disturbing our sleep. That lasted one night when she caught me looking at a CNN feed on my iPad in bed rather than watching the regular MSNBC line-up on TV. It was like being caught as a pre-teen with Hustler magazine while in bed.
The fact that we were both without MSNBC for two full weeks never occurred to us while we were in situ, but only when we came home and had it running in three rooms simultaneously almost immediately. It did not feel weird to be without TV during those two weeks. Maybe it was because we were busy and always pooped and wanting to go to sleep. Maybe it was because we had evening activities and 18-21 people as guests during the two weeks, including our closest family members. Whatever the reason, we were oblivious to the loss of connectivity. To be fair, our smartphones were on data-receiving mode (we have a $10/day/phone arrangement with our friends at Verizon) and we would get alerts and pings whenever anything newsworthy arose, but that’s not the same as listening to all the repetitive analysis and dissecting of the facts that goes on MSNBC 24X7.
This piece is not just about being connected to the news, but is really about being disconnected to a broader array of things, most notably the business world for me and the cabaret world for my wife. Those are the “work” things that occupy most of our time and as we approach retirement to the wilds of California, we ask ourselves continuously how we will feel when the world is not desperate to know our thoughts or for a decision on some action. I run hot and cold on this issue. There are moments when I think I would go crazy if I didn’t have a purpose to wake up to every day. Other days, particularly the busy or annoying ones, I think of what a pleasure it would be to be free of it all. Most of my retired friends tell me they have no trouble filling their days with meaningful tasks and projects. Some are so bold as to say, “I can’t remember how I ever had time for work!” or “I’m busier than I ever was before I retired!” I rarely believe a word of that nonsense because I think it is all driven by cognitive dissonance. What I believe is that people find ways to get comfortable with disconnecting to various degrees, and then have difficulty explaining themselves to others and gravitate towards the “I’m so busy” language to move off the topic of their productivity.
I am increasingly getting to the opinion that the job of retirement is the job of gaining comfort with one’s level of productive engagement. It certainly varies by person and circumstance, but it is universal that retirement is intended to be a time of slowing down and disengagement at some pace and to some degree. The important attribute of the successful retiree is to acknowledge that this is happening and to gain comfort with the process of disengagement. Clinging to authority or responsibility beyond its productive time is simply not helpful to anyone. Deluding oneself or others about dwindling capabilities is almost unethical. Self-awareness and comfort with the changing process is perhaps the most important attribute a person can show in this stage of life.
In prior posts I have contrasted the Dylan Thomas “rage” mentality with the embracing of reality. That is not my intention in this commentary. Rage as much as you want, but just be honest about what you can and cannot do and then see the beauty of the disengagement process. Disconnect for the right reasons, not because you have no choice and must do so. There is great joy in disconnecting and leaving the driving to someone else. I am reminded of this often when I let go of the wheel and let someone else drive. The affliction and burden of control and command can be substituted by the joy of disconnecting.
What you do with yourself once you disconnect is a function of your comfort with yourself. If you are insecure and need more external validation, you may well be miserable. If you are confident and broad in your interests and have prepared well by sparking or priming those interests, there can be great joy and fulfillment in the new, disconnected reality that you use to create your next life. So, do not shrink from the pleasure of a quiet sunny summer day. Open the windows as you drive through the country smelling the land and the earth. Wander aimlessly through the city discovering new and interesting things. Let your heart swell with the simple pleasures of life and reach a peace that says, I have earned the right to embrace the moment and not worry about the past or the future. That’s when you will know the full joy of disconnecting.
You have to disconnect to connect
True
There you go again with a rather wide brush. As you are aware, I have been in ‘forced’ retirement for all too long. I often joke that my social life is basically going to doctors appointments. I am one of those who ‘espouse’ being more active than when I had my business. Retirement doesn’t translate into meaning stagnancy. Not creating a ‘product’ doesn’t mean you’re wasting your time.
You already write so concentrate more there. Try some things you never thought you would like. I spent a few years going to The School Of Visual Arts. Writing classes perhaps for you? (Not being critical with that). Our daughter keeps pointing out that what ever it is, just enjoy the process, not the quality of the results.
We also haven’t had a TV in our bedroom for decades. However I must admit that the damn streaming has stretched that rule. If you had told me when I was a kid that I would be watching shows on my portable phone I would have said you’re nuts.
Sincerely, Not ‘Stagnant’ In Seattle, Lonny
Lonnie, reread the piece. I think I said to enjoy disconnecting rather than to worry about not being “productive.” I think my brush may not be broad enough. I write almost entirely from my own mind, and thus, from only my perspective. I never assume my views or definitions are universal. I write to express my view and fully expect and embrace conflicting thoughts.
I see what you mean and have to agree up to a point. Perhaps, as you read my comment about my life going in directions totally different than I thought as a lament, I have been too literal in my interpretation here. I know I sometimes overstep boundaries in a misguided attempt try to be helpful when I should leave well enough alone. Who am I to give advice? I know that you write from your perspective and I from mine. I appreciate your feedback because it helps me take a step back and look more broadly at things. I can be myopic at times. This is one of those learning moments which I need. Thanks