I was just speaking with a friend who out of the blue asked me if I had ever gone through therapy. Needless to say that sort of question makes one sit up and take notice since it is not a question asked in the normal course. Perhaps if there was a broader discussion underway about mental health in general it might be contextually routine, but when it comes out of the blue with a person who isn’t even particularly a “close friend”, one needs to stop and carefully consider how to respond. There are two basic paths that that sort of question can take. The first and most obvious path is that they sense that you may have some deep-seated issues which need to be addressed through therapy, I consider self awareness to be something I possess, but assessing one’s own mental stability needs a slightly more comprehensive type of introspection. As I reviewed my recent interactions with this person, I’m highly confident that I didn’t say anything or do anything or witness any indication that I may have given the perception of being depressed, manic, or somehow otherwise having some screw loose. So while I would never be so bold as to say that I don’t have psychological issues (who among us could claim that with any absolute assurance?), I’m pretty sure that the question was not aimed at giving me a not so subtle hint that I had bad breath of the brain.
The other, and more likely, possibility is that this was a preamble for a discussion about whether or not that person should consider submitting themselves to some form of therapy. It is logical for someone considering that move for the first time to wonder if others that they know that they think are somehow similar to them in their position in life and or their degree of stability, have use that form of help and whether or not it did indeed provide them with some assistance. These are the assurances that we all seek to tell us that if its OK for that person to do it, it must be OK for me to do it. I told the friend that I had submitted myself to therapy several times in my life. I explained that before separating from each of my first two marriages, I did indeed go through couples therapy both times. I felt that such a course of action was an important step that showed to all parties, including myself, that I was taking this move with the proper care and seriousness that it deserves. I also felt that in neither case did it even come close to altering the course of action that we had begun. I’m confident that both of my ex-wives would agree with that assessment. I also undertook a course of individual therapy in between my first two marriages, which lasted for one year.
The two things about that one year of therapy that I felt warranted mentioning was that 80% of the things that came out I believe I already understood about myself. It would also be fair to say that the remaining 20% were things that I wasn’t so aware of, and that did, indeed, provide some “Aha!” realizations for me. This was an important comment for this friend because he came into the discussion thinking that he always figured that therapy was just providing information about things that a self-aware person should and does know about themselves already. The second thing that I noted was that I do believe strongly that therapy should have a start and an end and that I very intentionally laid out that parameter with my therapist at the start and we mutually determined that one year would be an adequate amount of time to uncover and explore the majority of issues which needed to be addressed. From my experience, some therapists agree with that concept of a limited timeframe and some not so much. The bottom line for me is that I felt that I got what I should have from the process and that it was worthwhile.
I suspect that the world is split on the issue of the efficacy of psychotherapy. Socrates, during his trial in Athens, as recorded in Plato’s Apology, supposedly said that “the unexamined life is not worth living”. This emerged from a broader context where Socrates defended his practice of philosophical questioning and his mission to encourage Athenians to examine their lives. The meaning of this phrase operates on several levels. First, it asserts that human beings should engage in constant critical self-reflection. This means questioning our beliefs, values, and assumptions rather than simply accepting inherited wisdom or going through life on autopilot. For Socrates, this examination involved asking fundamental questions like “What is justice?” “What is courage?” and “What makes a good life?” Second, it suggests that consciousness and rational inquiry are what make us distinctly human. By examining our lives, we exercise our capacity for reason and fulfill our human potential. When we fail to question and reflect, we’re not fully actualizing what makes us human. Third, it implies that a life without philosophical examination lacks true meaning or purpose. Socrates believed that wisdom comes through recognition of our own ignorance – by examining our lives, we become aware of how much we don’t know, which is the beginning of true knowledge. The statement remains provocative because it suggests that many people might be living lives that, by Socrates’ standard, aren’t worth living – lives without deep reflection or philosophical examination. It challenges us to consider whether we’re truly engaging with the fundamental questions of existence or merely existing. Nothing could be more important for us to understand than our own selves. To me, this says that any use of therapy, assuming it is for the purpose of better understanding ourselves and reflecting on how we are conducting our lives, cannot be anything but a good thing.
It is my guess that people who specifically reject therapy in some sort of absolutist view of their needs, do so more because they are either in denial about those needs or they just cannot bear the weight of their own imperfection. It is my belief that humility and the willingness to accept our limitations and imperfections are central to a well-balanced psyche. I also recognize how difficult humility can be for any of us. It’s like courage under fire, its something we all want to have, but achieving it in the moment is impossible to predict and equally hard to maintain.
I have no way of knowing if my conversation with my friend moved the needle and whether he was more or less inclined to use the tool of therapy, or for that matter how, why or even if it was actually being suggested to him for consideration. What I do know is that this sort of conversation does not come up for no reason whatsoever. So all I can hope is that my friend figures out what is best for him and that he has fewer barriers to help than before we had talked. Thus is the therapeutic ambivalence with which the world has forever had to struggle.