The Otto in Us All
Today, as I wandered around NYC, I went to go see A Man Called Otto, starring Tom Hanks. Hanks has been the American cinematic Everyman for many years and as he ages along with the rest of us Baby Boomers (Hanks is two years younger than me) he is increasingly playing older roles, which seems both appropriate and very sensible. I don’t know how beloved he is to Millennials, but he is much beloved by our generation. That is a hard thing to do for a guy who has accumulated a net worth of about a half billion over his career. Usually some combination of envy or missteps will fell an iconic actor or celebrity, but that hasn’t happened to Hanks. He is approaching 100 movies that he has acted in and, of course, he has branched out into producing, directing and even writing, and all that without stubbing his toe visibly. Granted that not all of his movies have hit it big, but I would guess that most of his movies are still deemed as successful.
A Man Called Otto is an American adaptation of a Swedish film made about seven years ago called A Man Called Ove. They are more or less the same story of a recently retired and widowed man who lives in a small HOA and spends his time being grumpy at everyone about following the HOA rules and trying unsuccessfully to kill himself. He encounters a new neighbor who forces her friendship on him and gradually brings him around to a more pleasant disposition and even so far as to performing acts of kindness. One of the funny bits in the original film is about the feud Ove has with his longtime friend and neighbor over the car that they drive. Sweden has a long tradition of a feud between Volvo and Saab, and that is where they find themselves draw into. The Cree writer who adapted Ove into Otto simply changed the cars to a Chevy and a Ford and, knowing the older generational biases regarding those two manufacturers, it makes complete sense as translated to the American suburbs of yesteryear.
While this movie may get billed as an offbeat comedy, the other characterizations of being thought-provoking and touching are perhaps more on-point for the overall tenor of the film. The attempts at suicide are more a part of the humor than anything else since its all about how he keeps getting interrupted in his suicidal attempts for annoying reasons, which give you a glimpse into the thinness of his unhappiness. The far more poignant point is how a soured man who feels life has felt him a lousy hand goes through the process of reconsidering his life and concludes that he had the benefit of a wonderful life. He’s sees people with greater problems than his that persevere or ignore the problems and simply carry-on. The flashbacks and memories of his dead wife and the tragedy that cost them their unborn son come and go and play an important part in his adjusted thinking. We all know and are reminded that his grumpy ways are not what his wife would have wanted for him, but its more than that. She had a way, even in their youth, of forcing him to see the brighter side of life. Her optimism and upbeat attitude are what made his life worth living and he eventually comes to understand that.
Not so many of us live our lives as tightly constrained as do Ove and Otto. And hopefully, most of us never get to the point of despondency that we try several ways to end our lives. I have had two friends over my lifetime that have committed suicide and they were long enough ago that I feel I can be somewhat objective and clinical about them. The first one was a classmate from my entering class in the bank training program. He was a University of Michigan grad who was a fancy dresser who was quick to launch. He always struck me as being on the effeminate side, but then he married his college sweetheart and settled down before those views could even migrate to a Gaydar consideration. He went overseas for the bank as a representative, first in Caracas and then in Madrid, all while having and growing a family of four kids. When he finally repatriated back as our international correspondent banking business was waning, he struggled to find a good place in more ways than one. He didn’t find a good fit spot that suited him in the bank and so he bumped around. By virtue of missing out on ten plus years of metro NYC housing boom, he also found it difficult to find a home that suited the family and eventually had to move way up into Fairfield County to find something acceptable. Bout that time he left the bank and went to work for several Connecticut banks in a row, never really hitting his stride with any of them. ANd then one day, I learned that he had lost yet another job and driven to some shore overlook and put a bullet in his head. While it is easy to attribute that tragedy to financial issues, I always thought of it as much more. I suspect that besides not becoming the financial success he wanted to be and expected, he was also somehow miscast as a suburban family man, perhaps even miscast as a traditional husband and father. That is one of the only answers I can give to understanding how a man can do that to his family.
The second instance came years later and involved a college friend who I roomed with for all four years of college. I had spent time at his parent’s home on Long Island and feel like I was one of his closer friends. He was a typical metro NYC achievement-oriented kid who decided long before college that he would define success as becoming a physician. From his first day at college, there was no mistaking his single-minded obsession with getting into medical school. Everything he did was subservient to that goal. He too was a bit effeminate, but not so much that any of us expected him to be gay. When he did date, he was very particular about the tidiness of the girls he would date. During our senior year when the rubber was meeting the road on medical school, he came so needy that a girl who lived in our house broke through his tidiness barriers and latched onto him in a way that introduced him finally to the world of women. She wanted a doctor husband and despite his pathological approach to the quest, decided he was a good bet. When he did not get in, having nothing to do with grades or test scores, and everything to do with his holding on too tight, she was prepared to stay the course which was to lead him to dental school, but he was not so committed. He escaped the engagement and they went their own ways. Eventually he met a woman while in his dental practice (she was in the dental field as well) and they had a son. That marriage was doomed almost from the start and he want on to lead a life of regret that was more attitudinally like Ove and Otto than not. He too lived alone in the woods of Connecticut and spent his time bicycling and swimming until his health became impacted with some strange neurological degenerative disease.
The next thing we all heard, he had killed himself with the clear message that he had nothing to live for. He had no wife. His son was more estranged than not. He had retired from his work, which was not the work he had ever aspired to. And his health had failed him to the point that he could not enjoy anything he likes to do. In the Otto movie, he tries to kill himself by asphyxiating himself in his car in his garage. He fails, but my friend did not fail. He was quite calculating about it all and just slipped away in the front seat of his car with his faithful dog sitting next to him like Otto has his adopted cat next to him.
These would all be sad tales, except that Otto does what changes that sadness into poignancy. To begin with, he dies of natural causes, not suicide. Secondly, he finds happiness with his new friends and neighbors before he dies, so there is a redemption not enjoyed by either of my friends. ANd most importantly, he shares what he has with those in need. As homage to his dead wife, he gives his car to a transgender student of hers who he has befriended. And then, he gives his home and his accumulated wealth to the woman neighbor who forced him to open his eyes to life’s possibilities. We should all hope to find our hidden Otto in us before we leave this earth.