The Kindness of Strangers
Tennessee Williams wrote A Streetcar Named Desire in 1947 and after a successful Broadway run with Jessica Tandy, Marlon Brando and Kim Hunter, it was turned into a critically acclaimed film in 1951. While the film retained Brando and Hunter as Stanley and Stella Kowalski, it replaced the Toni-winning Tandy with Vivien Leigh. Leigh had won an Oscar for best actress for Gone With the Wind in 1939, and sure enough, she repeated that act in Streetcar in 1951. It’s a testament to William’s writing and whoever did the casting that this leading lady role could win the Tony with one actress and the Oscar with another. The troubled Blanche Dubois, is the thirty-something Southern Belle widow who has nothing and must therefore rely on the kindness of strangers with her most sultry Scarlett O’Hara voice, trying to convince herself and the audience that such kindness has nothing whatsoever to do with her sexual attraction. It is strange that a classically trained British actress (she was Lady Olivier, wife of the heralded Lawrence of the London stage) who was raised as an expat outside of Calcutta should come to represent the quintessential maven of Southern Gothic films. Just as Southern men mistook human bondage for racial manifest destiny, Southern women mistook lust and desires of the flesh for respect and kindness.
We all interpret things in the ways that best suits us at the moment. Blanche Dubois ends the story that made her a household name by speaking of her dependence on the kindness of strangers. Meanwhile it was Stella, her sister and the wife of Marlon Brando’s Stanley Kowalski who was the very symbol of kindness that buffers Blanche and Stanley simultaneously and buffers their lives from the harshness of strangers and family alike. Kindness is a difficult concept to achieve where harshness comes all too easily to us all. So, as I watch a trailer for Billions, that Wall Street, Hedge Fund, Do-Unto-Others-Before-They-Do-Unto-You series that all those who have real Wall Street of Hedge Fund experience know better than to put on a pedestal and aggrandize, I think about how much more I prefer kindness to harshness. While I have a hard time not agreeing that that interpretation suits me at this moment in my life, I like to think that at my worst of Wall Street moments, I always sided with kindness over harshness. I’ll bet there are some I encountered in those days that would disagree, but I have no problem risking being called a Blanche Dubois so long as I can be equally certain that I do not have the thuggishness of Stanley Kowalski.
I spent the weekend playing host to the family members and siblings of my brother-in-law, Woo. Brother-in-law is a vague concept that can describe any number of relations, but basically, in my case, I have four brothers-in-law and no brothers. Two are the husbands of my sisters, both of whom have had but one such husband. That means I have known them each for over forty and fifty years. Kim has one brother and one sister, who also has her original-issue husband. It is that husband of my wife’s sister that is Woo and who’s relations were in for the weekend. One of the most meaningful things on this issue of the relationship of brothers-in-law was once said to me by my sister Kathy’s husband, Bennett. It was perhaps a dozen years ago, but it involved an issue I was having with Kathy (I can’t remember the last time we had any issues). I was ragging on her to Bennett and he stopped me bluntly and said, “She is more my wife at this point than she is your sister, so shut the fuck up.” Wow, I was floored by the poignancy of that comment, mostly because it was so very true. There comes a time when one relationship eclipses another, so it must be fair to say that these extended in-law relations are all moveable feasts.
So Woo’s oldest son is getting married in a few months. That son lives near us, or at least much nearer to us than to Woo. Woo’s siblings, an older brother and older sister, are octogenarians and both have their original-issue spouse. While their levels of fitness vary, none is a spring chicken and both teams came with a daughter to act as chaperone and travel aide. We had agreed to do a pre-wedding party for Woo’s family and the bride-to-be’s family, which included a set of parents and two grandmothers. So this was intended to be a gathering of family elders held in a genteel manner appropriate to their interests, abilities and sensibilities. For the bride’s side, that involved a catered luncheon indoors and outdoors for something like three or four hours. For Woo’s family, who are all from southern Georgia and now live in either Georgia or Texas, this was a more complicated and extended matter that transpired over four days.
I have had many events in my life that were forced upon me at busy times in my life, but rarely have I had such an involved event with admittedly more rather than less distant relatives than this weekend that came at a moment when I had very few, if any, competing time constraints. I was able to dedicate myself entirely for the weekend to the task of playing host to this group and not once was I being torn away for other competing interests. I did have a son get engaged over the weekend, but it was not a surprise for me and it took a few congratulatory calls at most. Basically, I was completely free to serve in a way that was actually easy, and pleasant. There are people much closer to me than these people that did not have the benefit of my complete attention the way this crowd did. I acted as chauffeur twelve times (my cars acted as team buses perhaps twenty times). While there were other chores associated with the weekend, I do not want to overstate my sacrifices, so I will suggest that this chauffeuring activity, combined with a few grocery runs and picking up a few dining tabs was all I really did. Kim, as always, did much more, but relative to our normal burden, I was the one clearly doing more than normal.
To say that Woo’s family was extremely appreciative of our hospitality would be an understatement. I gathered more thankful speeches than with which I was comfortable. There comes a moment when you just want to scream, “Stop it! It’s not that hard and not that big of a deal!” At other times in my life and even on other dates even in these times of my existing life, it might have been a bigger deal, but this weekend it simply was not a hardship. I am particularly glad that was the case since I actually very much like these people. I like them as people more than many friends and relations, to be frank. They are pleasant and courtly and interesting to speak with. I’m not sure I could have predicted this, but I had a great time this weekend and I particularly had fun with this crowd of Woo’s siblings and support staff.
What made me think of Blanche Dubois and Vivien Leigh (I have seen the movie, but not the play and certainly not the Jessica Tandy play) was the very southernness of the non-southern Leigh. There is something in that smooth and slow drawl, which all six of the visitors had in spades, that made me feel good. While I know not all southerners are nice people, they all mostly sound like nice people and in the case of these six visitors, they all were nice people. The southern sugar made me want to do things for them and while the weekend may have started as a matter of the kindness of strangers, it ended as the mutual kindness of friends.