The Keogh Connection

The Keogh Connection

The Keogh family of Killarney is a long-standing part of County Kerry and has had great influence on all of Ireland and, indeed, all of modern civilization. Its descendants include a young lass, Fancy Nancy, who hails from Ithaca, New York, and who has come back to Ireland and County Kerry in search of her roots. Of course the irony in all of that is that her roots are firmly entrenched in the very root (as in tuber) of Irish history. In the mid-Nineteenth Century, the main economic pillar of the country of Ireland was the potato. Yes, there was flax and there was wool, but the noble tuber, the Irish Lumper as it was known, was both a mainstay of the Irish diet, as it was about the only thing other than grass that would grow in the moist and nutrient-deficient lands of Western Ireland. It had been introduced as a delicacy for the landed class of gentry in Ireland by none other than the aristocracy in England that sought a means to maximize profits from the poor but plentiful lands granted to it in the West and South of that scruffy adjacent island called Ireland.

Ireland is the Anglicization of the ancient land of Eire, which the Romans called Hibernia, a place they dared not inhabit for fear that its mysticism was lethal to them. And so, the land where magic and mystery reigned supreme insofar as there was nothing else to hear, say or do in the desolate and wind-swept fingers that thrust out into the Wild Atlantic from the central hills and valleys of the island. Magic and mystery overwhelm these rocky shores and it was magic, mystery and treachery that brought about one of the most impactful demographic shifts to occur in modern history.

The once trendy potato was now the bus station foodstuff of the masses. It provided the population with its primary sustenance and it was the largest cash crop for export. And most importantly, it was a necessary ingredient in most of the fermentation products (a.k.a. Anything alcoholic) made and consumed in the land (including Guinness Stout). It added fermentable and plentiful sugars to the mashed wort of the yeast in the brew. To say the potato sits on a pedestal of Irish necessity is to suggest that a bear does, indeed, shit in the woods.

The largest potato-growing land mass in Ireland lay in none other than County Kerry. And the largest potato grower in the land of Kerry and amongst the wood sprites and faeries of the hills of Kerry and the lakes of Killarney (otherwise known as the Leogh Leane), were the Keogh family. They had thousands of acres of otherwise useless lands under cultivation. In fact, it was the patriarch of the clan, a gentleman known in Killarney as Spuds Keogh, who quietly hatched a plan to improve the fortunes of the family by making the potato more dear and thereby commanding a greater price at market. In fact, the origins of the “This Little Piggy” limerick, invented in Ireland by the peasants who farmed the land around Killarney, were a direct reference to Spuds Keogh’s attempts to constantly “corner” the market. This is perhaps why the third toe eats roast beef and the fifth toe does “Wee wee wee, all the way home”, just like the GEICO piglet with his head out the window. So Spuds Keogh was the original capitalist piggy.

Spuds was never wealthy enough and knew not when enough was enough. He needed a plan. When it came to him he immediately booked passage and went to Shanghai, where he found a botanist/herbalist who had developed a strain of plant mold, ultimately known as Phytophthora Infestans that would blight potatoes by turning them black as the night. Spuds planned to use it on selective competitor fields outside of County Kerry, but the strain was so potent that it got away from him and began the infamous potato plague of 1845 (called the Plight of 45, not unlike our current Plight of 45 in the Unites States only less orange) that resulted in 25% of the Irish folk either dying or emigrating to America and elsewhere.

The only fields not affected by Phytophthora Infestans were Spud’s very own, which would have been good for potato prices, except everyone was too scared to eat anything potato at that time. Spuds tried to change his local plume de guerre from Spuds to Studs, but the townfolk were having none of it. Spuds and his family went into the buggy whip business until the potato scare ended, which took until 1849. They then returned quietly to their rejuvenated potato crop and today they are the creators of Keogh’s Potato Chips, known around the world as the best chip in the world (especially the crinkle-cut Flame Grilled Irish Steak flavor).

Meanwhile, the Keogh family members who could not stand the ire of the Eire, had emigrated to America and found their way to Connecticut and then the Finger Lakes Region of New York. Naturally, they were all forced to live in disgrace as the Typhoid Mary’s of the Irish potato world. They pretty much all had to marry below their station and are now married to all manner of commoners. In the case of Fancy Nancy, she met a wee lad from County Carpenado in the Apennines of Italy. That made for the Massicci family in Ithaca. They are a family of barmen, so the Irish blood flows through their veins. And the funny thing is that they now sell beer and chips (they are seeking the U.S. franchise for Keogh potato chips, but can’t yet agree to a price that clears the market). The Keogh/Massicci dynasty now rules central New York with an iron fist and a potato in every pot.