The Great Expectations of Steven

The Great Expectations of Steven

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” This was, indeed the tale of two cities, but neither was Charles Dickens’ London, they were New York City and Palm Springs, and it was the two cities in which Steven has chosen to live. I feel very bad for my friend Steven. Steven is eight years younger than me and we worked together in one configuration or another for twenty or so years until about ten years ago. Steven has just been slapped in the face by the reality that we all sooner or later recognize, people and organizations have a tendency to disappoint you. Steven took a Shakespearean approach to the matter and asked, “To be or not to be disappointed”. Yes, Steven, that is the question.

A month ago Steven resigned from a non-profit board after an extended 10 year assignment.  As most of us know, non-profit unpaid board activities are meant to be a vehicle to give back to a world less fortunate.  Steven’s assignment was typical of such things, this organization was about supporting children in need of every kind of assistance imaginable.  Over the course of his 10-year involvement, Steven volunteered as Treasurer, CFO, Executive Director and even took on a quasi-presidential role.  The existing president begged Steven to take over the role but that was not something he had the time commitment to be able to undertake.  Over the years Steven had helped to rescue and restructure the organization from extinction and had been a big part of bringing it back to health.  When he finally decided it was time to dial back in retirement, Steven determined he no longer had the time nor the fresh perspective needed to take the organization into the next chapter, so he politely demurred by resigning from the board with a fulsome explanation of his motivations.

The disappointment came crashing down on Steven through the lack of appreciation for a decade of commitment far in excess of what was given by others or was certainly ever originally expected.  After 10 years, Steven received only one email from the board chair with a simple farewell.  He received no other emails, phone calls, flowers, gifts or accolades of appreciation.  He hadn’t done this work for the appreciation, but after spending a decade of service, contributions of time and significant money, Steven was deeply disappointed by the board memberships’ lack of visible appreciation. It all caused Steven’s adult son (an up and coming hedge fund Master of the Universe) to suggest that perhaps Steven needed to throttle back his expectations of people. That’s certainly one way to go. Like I said, it all makes me feel very bad for my friend Steven. There is a part of me that wants to say “welcome to the club”, but that is the cynical part that I try hard to overcome. What I prefer to say is something like that he needs to turn the other cheek and smile broadly to himself while he’s at it. We live in a wonderful world and people are all amazing like the title character played by Brendan Fraser says in The Whale.

I too have had my own share of disappointment over the years. I would say it is roughly 50/50 as to whether I feel others have given me my due for whatever it was that I did or gave. And that’s the heart of the issue. What exactly was it that I was due? I force myself to ask if I have really done or given enough to make a difference. Why did I do it? How was it received? And finally, to Steven and his son’s point, should I have expected anyone to notice, care or show appreciation? I could blame it on organizations, which tend to depersonalize such efforts. But then I would be forced to admit that direct to people efforts sometimes result in exactly the same sort of under-appreciation. So maybe its me, or maybe its just the nature of people that is causing all of this.

I have done my share of charitable deeds and continue to do so, but admittedly to a lesser degree. Is that a sign that I have become jaundiced? I’d like to think not. I think its natural to worry more about yourself as you get older. It doesn’t mean you care less, just like not doing as much for your kids the older you get does not mean you love them any less. It’s more about the natural order of life and really not a hardening of the heart.

But Steven is inclined to agree with his son and has that little black cloud hanging over his head that says “No good deeds go unpunished!!” He feels that it’s not unreasonable for people to do what’s right/best for themselves and their family and place them as first among equals.  He feels that’s ok because the process of trying to do good for others ahead of yourself, while truly righteous, may be a bit naive in terms of how it will be received. Do you need to get uncomfortable to make others more comfortable? I have long held that everyone does what they do for themselves, even when it looks and feels highly charitable. Many don’t see the world that way, perhaps because it seems selfish. But ask yourself why charity exists. I say it makes donors feel better one way or another, and that is not only not a bad thing, it’s a good thing. The doctrine that it is better to give than receive is part of every major religion. I say that’s not an accident. It is good for us to help one another. The quality of our lives are vastly improved by removing poverty and its impact. It is well proven that we are happier when we help others. 

Steven may wonder where this leaves him with his feel-bad issue. Get your rewards from the doing and the awareness and belief it all helps you and yours directly. Stop expecting so much from your peers and ask yourself simply whether your efforts are appreciated at the recipient level. I’m not sure your peers matter or even should care. Think of them as being accountable for themselves and their own charitable acts and not your feel-good. Have more reasonable expectations.

These are thoughts we probably all have in one way or another. Another friend of mine who is very charitably inclined was recently honored for his many years of service (17 to be exact) and contribution to a particular charity. He was honored at a black tie affair and given high praise from very important people. I’m sure he deserved it and I know it made him proud because he sent me a video link to the event. It occurred to me at the time that my mother dedicated her 40 year career to selflessly helping others and she got no testimonial dinner for that, but rather silently retired to live out her days in relative obscurity. She positively impacted the lives of more people in need than anyone I know and never once talked about appreciation. She knew more about all of this than any of us.

My message to Steven is simple. You done good. Keep the great expectations of being Steven…. great.