Fiction/Humor Memoir

The Big Ass Effect

The Big Ass Effect

Before you get too excited, let me explain that yesterday I hosted a Zoomathon for my American Flyers Motorcycle Club, who formally celebrates its Silver (25th!) Anniversary this month. There were eighteen participating callers with a total of thirty-four attendees plus two (Nik and Charlene) who I inadvertently left out in the Zoom waiting room, failing to admit them after I had admitted three tranches of other entrants waiting. Oops. I have apologized and I will say that hosting a Zoom meeting as opposed to participating in a Zoom meeting set up and hosted by someone else had a few more challenges than I anticipated. To begin with, the invitation generation was rough, with me apparently sending it out a total of fourteen times unknowingly. I guess every time you invite another person and hit send it resends it to everyone previously put on. That means I guess I sent out about 34 x 17 = 578 invitations (not quite a factorial, but something like it…good math quiz to name this faux-pas). Thus, the first invite got 34 and the last got only one. Since that was 544 more invitations than I intended, I contributed mightily to the inbox clutter of the world. The second problem was trying to get everyone into the right room, which did eventually happen. Most could work the audio, but 87 year-old Arthur, who is usually a digital wizard was only able to use his virtual background, but not his audio. I resorted to holding up signs for him, but there was the whole which way is right and which way is mirror image so since I wasn’t smart enough to use palindromes, I don’t know if he could read it.

It was a fun gathering anyway and we felt the need to convene in honor of the Silver Cinco De Mayo Anniversary of the group. I sort of acted as Master of Ceremonies because with eighteen participants it was unclear how we would get through the hour otherwise. We had people from Florida to Orcas Island and from San Diego to Woodstock Vermont. By my count there were eleven states represented of which one (Georgia) is reopened, four (Utah, Texas, Illinois and Florida) are partially reopened and six (Washington, California, Arizona, New York, Massachusetts and Vermont) are smart enough to have remained locked-down. That appears to be the New Democratic tactic, trying to outlive the country’s conservatives. As we saw when Trump walked through the Arizona N-95 Mask factory without a mask and they were playing Guns N’ Roses Live or Let Die in the background. I ask you, was that a Trumpian set-up backing up the Lt. Governor of Texas with his “I’d rather die than hurt my grandkids’ economic chances”, or was it a liberal prankster trying to suggest that anyone not wearing a mask (all the workers were in masks) was doing so at their own risk? I’m not sure we’ll ever know for sure as the news cycle just keeps rolling on, but I do note that being cavalier about any lives is pretty reprehensible.

But back to our Zoomathon. At one point our conversation devolved from croquet (don’t ask) to the weather in everyone’s place of sequestration. We had Roger saying he was playing golf, fishing, biking and shooting sporting clays in what he described as fine Florida weather. We had Barbara and Frank describing the expected snowfall in Vermont. Orcas Island looked damp and primeval, but not particularly cool. But our Arizona crew kept holding up a sign that read PHX – 104F. I am tempted to suggest that all that hot air and Trump’s visit might be connected, but I won’t. Oops, I just did. Anyway, it was hot in Phoenix and at least one of the gang there was heading to San Diego for the summer a bit earlier than normal to run to our more temperate climate here. The last few days have, indeed been wonderfully warm, but breezy in the low 70’s, which is just about perfect. But today, some of that Arizona heat wafted westward and it got up to 87, which is no 104, but it is decidedly warmer than I like and than I am used to out here.

This was also the day I had four cubic yards of Arizona river rock of varying sizes (1.5” – 3” and 3” – 8”) unceremoniously dumped on tarps on my driveway. It was more dramatic than I had thought, but mostly it was more hot and dusty than I had imagined. By the time I had picked up the miscellaneous stones that had strayed off the tarps, I was spent and sweaty. I had only positioned our new wheelbarrow over by the two piles of stones to make it easier on Juventino, who will come on the weekend with a helper to spread the rocks over the large bed about twenty feet from the piles. I can’t tell if this will be a laborious and time-consuming affair or if Juventino will make short order of it and wonder why I requested him and a helper for a whole day. It’s a lot of stone, but it doesn’t have to go very far. I’m happy to pay Juventino to do the work regardless of the effort needed. I know it would break my back doing it.

Earlier in the week I had a propane fire pit delivered for the deck (just in time for the hot weather). We had ordered it two months ago and thanks to the lockdown it took longer to arrive than expected. Evenings here can always use a nice fire pit on the deck. When it was being set up, the assembler placed the stones I had bought for the fire pit ever so carefully around the burner. The first thing I did when he left was to add stones and create a more random and less ordered display.

Strangely enough, the one piece of advice I received from my nemesis, Jeff, was that as for the garden stones sitting on the driveway, I was not to have the large stones “placed” in the garden, but that I was to tell Juventino to randomly “drop” the stones to avoid having them look too orderly and thus, more naturally random. I explained that such was my own inclination when it comes to rock placement. I had thought perhaps to direct the effort, but today’s heat has caused me to rethink and just leave it all to Juventino.

Over a year ago and in anticipation of moving out here (about the time I decided to install solar) I got the idea (probably it was Jeff’s idea) that I would install some fans in the house to help the summer cooling. The only choice is a product called a Big Ass Fan that is both very technologically efficient and yet very aesthetically appealing. I bought one big one for the living room, one regular-sized one for the Master Bedroom and one regular-sized one for the kitchen. I rethought the kitchen placement, figuring airflow might cause more problems than it solved, so I shifted it to the dining room. As the weather has warmed I have started to use the living room and bedroom units every day. My favorite place to sit inside is now directly under the Big Ass Fan. I have to compete with Cecil for that spot since he has figured it out as well. Today I ordered another Big Ass Fan for the study, which suffers from both morning and evening sunlight and not enough air movement in the heat.

I have become quite the home technologist. I now have a Ring App for security, a Nest App for thermostat control, a Tesla App for both my car and mostly for my new Tesla batteries and now, a Big Ass Fan App. On any given day or at any given moment I feel that I am overburdening my home WiFi network (note to self – try to cure that). I guess energy efficiency has its price, but so far, I am finding the Big Ass effect to be my favorite and most comfortable addition to my home technology array. That was one decision with no rocks in the head.