The Art of Turning the Other Cheek
I am constantly amazed at all the opportunities I get to declare that no good deed goes unpunished. I am well aware that I spent 45 years on Wall Street and developed a thick skin and an ability to joust with the best of them. I know that normal guy trash talking has become the standard and that joking around with your pals is the norm in modern life. I also know that I do it more than I should and at least I have enough self-awareness to admit that and feel somewhat and generally contrite about it. I admire people who never have a bad thing to say about anybody, even in jest. I respect people who can go through the pinnacle of their careers and not get so caught up with themselves that they cannot make fun of themselves. Our entire 2024 will be overwhelmed by the Trump v. Biden show and I must say that policy and goodness issues aside, just on the basis of how each man treats other people, there is enough there to convince me that I want nothing to do with Donald Trump and want to embrace and set as a role model for us all, Joe Biden. That is not at all a partisan commentary, but simply a humanist commentary. Trump treats everyone like shit and Biden treats everyone (even Trump to some degree) with civility and respect. I want less of the former in people and much more of the latter.
I recently did something as a gesture of my respect for someone who has done a lot for me over the years. I tried to take a chapter out of the book of those people who are so good at finding the right path. I ignored the peccadillos and emphasized the positive about the person and believe me, there were plenty of instances that were unflattering enough to cause me to either go the other way with the person or just write them off. But I forgot the bad and remembered only the good and it was a very positive experience for me to do that. It actually made me feel good to know that I could overcome that modern-day tendency to snipe and satirize. And here’s the thing. There was absolutely nothing to be gained. I was not trying to curry favor. I didn’t do it in a way that was a display for the crowd. In fact, I didn’t publicize it to anyone, much less to the person themself (not that I didn’t think he would learn of it). I just put it out there in the universe and felt good doing it.
And then came the slap. Someone who knows us both and is generally more an enlightened and gentle soul than most, felt the need to comment to me about my actions. It was not specifically directed towards the object of my praise, but rather about the fact that I had done such a thing. It was a mild but very clear debasing of my manner of going about my interpersonal presence, and it served no purpose other than to poke me and my ways. It caught me by surprise to say the least. I might have expected it of others, but not this person. It was an attack on my motives and, to a certain degree, who I am because it attacked how I comport myself.
Knowing myself, it was too difficult to just ignore and let it roll off my shoulder. I am not evolved enough yet to let that happen. But I am evolved enough to not feel the need to lash out at the person, but merely explain myself in as honest and self-effacing way as I could muster. I did what I always tend to do, I over-communicated. I wrote him an email to tell him that it was OK for him to feel as he did, but that he misunderstood my motives. I went on to give a simple sense of what drove me in that way and then told him to be well and go about his day. It was clearly my attempt to be a somewhat bigger man than not and I will be curious to see if it elicits any response. It may not. My experience is that when people feel they have offended, they often try to pretend that it never happened. I suspect that will be the case here. The only person I talked to about it was Kim and I feel she understood my disappointment.
I learned long ago that showing disappointment with people is perhaps the most helpful thing you can do to someone who transgresses. It is kind in that it is not an attack, but it also does not ignore what has happened. I like to think that it causes reflection by the transgressor, but that is hard to know for sure. Insensitive people can be very good at ignoring their own foibles, but I think more often than not, shaming people quietly is both helpful to your own soul and actually causes some reflection which might benefit them and those he will interact with next in life.
Turning the other cheek is Christian doctrine that comes from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, specifically Matthew 5 Verses 38 to 48, which says, “Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” By modern standards, that is called being either a chump or a schmuck. But it has always resonated with me because it is a way to promote peace at the extreme and perhaps….perhaps cause some degree of reflection or shame from the transgressor.
While it seems to me that this approach to conflict was rare and suspect even when I was young, it has certainly not grown in popularity in recent times. In fact, I think it is fair to say that the world of 2024 almost finds it anathema to ever feel that this cheek turning is an effective way to resolve any conflicts. The thought that the meek will inherit the earth is a fine Biblical concept, but does anyone really believe that to be true in a world where might is claiming its right more and more each day? I find it particularly sad that the people who have been most downtrodden and are perhaps least fortunate in life are those who especially feel this way. Meanwhile, the Donald Trump’s of the world strut around oblivious to any reason why they should not retaliate to the fullest extent for anything they feel is not 100% in their favor. And when people see that approach succeed, as many of us are stunned to see every day in the tales of Trump, it certainly gives us pause and makes us wonder who conceived of this notion of cheek turning and why would they think it effective.
The only answer is the spiritual one. If it makes you feel good inside, then it is the right thing to do. It is like selfless bravery in battle. It confounds secular logic and yet rises to the highest levels of spiritual prominence. Those who get it get it. Those who do not probably never will. The art of turning the other cheek is to not think about the outcome, but just the action.