A temper tantrum is an emotional outburst characterized by sudden, intense displays of anger, frustration, or distress. They’re most commonly associated with young children (typically ages 1-4) but can occur at any age. In young children, tantrums are a normal part of development. They happen because toddlers have big emotions but limited language skills and self-regulation abilities. Common triggers include tiredness, hunger, overstimulation, or not getting what they want. Managing tantrums typically involves staying calm yourself, ensuring the child’s safety, not giving in to demands made during the tantrum, offering comfort once the child calms down, and teaching emotional regulation skills when they’re receptive. In older children or adults, frequent tantrums might indicate underlying issues like stress, mental health concerns, or developmental differences that could benefit from professional support.
Managing extreme temper as an adult is a very different thing. Feelings of rage can be hard to control. They say that there are physical strategies you can use like regular exercise to help burn off stress hormones and improves emotional regulation, progressive muscle relaxation to release physical tension, cold water on your face or wrists can activate your nervous system’s calm response (like throwing a bucket on an overly amorous dog) and various other tactics, all of which are hard to recall in moments of extreme agitation. Adult anger typically stems from several key sources. Feeling powerless or out of control is a big one, when situations feel beyond your influence and anger emerges as a way to try to regain a sense of agency. This might happen with bureaucratic processes, health issues, or relationship dynamics where you feel unheard. There is also perceived injustice or unfairness that can act as a trigger. Witnessing or experiencing what seems like unfair treatment, whether in personal relationships or broader society, can trigger intense anger. This includes feeling taken advantage of or seeing others not face consequences for their actions. When reality doesn’t match what you anticipated, especially if you’ve invested significant time, energy, or emotion, you can easily get angered. Then there’s the ever-popular act of feeling disrespected or dismissed, being ignored, interrupted, talked down to, or having your boundaries violated, all of which can provoke anger, especially if it echoes past experiences of not being valued. That all sounds like a lot to unpack and even more to ameliorate, but the truth is that any one of us can go off like a bomb if given the right prompting. We all try to be civilized and calm and most of us accomplish that more often than not, but every once in a while we fail and BOOM!
I remember one time when we had a “broken play” situation on a motorcycle trip I had organized. I quickly arranged alternative accommodations at the Sundance Resort by renting a large house that would more or less fit us all for the night. It was up a gravel road and since we had booked dinner down in the Tree Room at the main lodge, I requested and was assured of minibus transport down for dinner. When the bus’s failed to come and the phone wouldn’t work, I finally had everyone pile into the trailer we were using to haul baggage. We bumped down the hill with my friends getting tossed around the trailer like popping popcorn. While the gang settled into the restaurant, I went to the lodge office to complain. The young Mormon man at the desk was unable or refused to acknowledge the mistake and the problem/risk the mistake had created. For some reason, his client service reaction was to just smile at me and say nothing. After several attempts to get what I considered an appropriate contrite reaction, I found myself getting madder and madder and the kid just kept smiling at me. The rage in me built to the point of insistence that I speak to his manager. The rookie then made the mistake of giving me his manager’s home phone number and I stood at the desk calling the manager while the desk clerk kept smiling. After giving us a discount for our inconvenience and telling the clerk to apologize to us, the manager had some choice words for his clerk about never giving out his home number again to a lodger. We left the office with the clerk still nervously smiling…obviously it was his reaction to the extreme stress of the situation, but to me it was still a red flag to the bull inside me.
Last evening I had a similar situation with completely different circumstances. We were at the local Teri Campus of Life Cafe where Kim sings with her jazz ensemble once a month on Saturdays from 5-7pm. The event is open to the public, and acts as a draw for diners for the Cafe, as arranged by the facility event staff. We invited five family/friends to join us for a casual dinner and Kim’s singing. The first set went fine as the sun set. At 6pm on the other side of the Cafe on their opposing patio, a private party had started and, unexpectedly, a loud rock band started playing. This Cafe is perhaps 50 feet wide and one story high, so the two bands on either side patio are not in the least bit insulated from one another in terms of sound. In other words, the rock band was drowning out the jazz ensemble and especially Kim’s ballad singing. It quickly went from annoying to disruptive. I’m not even sure how the musicians were able to play or Kim was able to sing. As an audience member it was very unpleasant and I could see that our guest became increasingly uncomfortable.
I finally got up and went in to speak to the management. The only people in the building at that time were the food service people, who were very understanding of the problem and quite sympathetic, but said they had no control and that the event management staff needed to be spoken to. The dining manager called the event manager and he declined to engage. She told me he was over at the other building preparing for the next event of the evening. I walked over and found the guy and confronted him. By this time I was angry but not enraged. I explained the situation and he would only say that the other was a private party and he had no control over their music. I tried to get him to understand that it was his venue and he had an obligation to manage such conflict. He clearly was the guy responsible because he suggested things like giving the ensemble another night to play, but refused to say that he had screwed up. He refused to take accountability and when I said he should at least go over to apologize to the jazz ensemble, he walked away. By that time my anger had turned to rage. While I am controlled enough not to get physical (other than my imposing presence) but I did use some choice language like “shit for brains” and “why don’t you be a man about this?” All to no effect except to build up more steam under my collar. When another volunteer interceded and went with me to render an apology to the departing band, the situation dissipated. I’ve since sent off a nasty-gram to the center’s management, but that may or may not elicit a response.
Why did this enraging me and send me into a temper tantrum? Seems like a perceived injustice, loss of control, disrespect and unwillingness to accept accountability were all in the stew. I also think standing up for Kim’s craft and effort (she works so hard on these performances) had a lot to do with it. So, there you have it…I’m not sure having a tantrum is ever a good thing and rage rarely solves anything, but I also acknowledge that once in a while…shit happens.