Ring Theory

Ring Theory

As I sit here watching the sun rise, I am, for some reason, unable to stay in bed much past 6:00 – 6:30am. It does not seem very dependent on the time I fall asleep and yet we do everything we can to keep the bedroom darkened against the dawn. Because I sleep with a CPAP machine (something I have done for twenty-five years ostensibly due to snoring, but likely now to ward off apnea), that technology gives me a complete sleep report every day and I can even watch the trends. It only gives me a 100 score if I sleep seven hours. It has now been ten days since I scored 100 where in the ten previous days I scored 100 nine days of those ten. That seems like a relevant trend of some sort to me, but I am not sure exactly what it says or what causes it.

I can only assume that something about this stay-at-home program is costing me a complete night’s sleep. I really do not nap, not because of anything against napping, but because I just don’t. If you can’t nap during a lazy afternoon (an increasingly common phenomenon these days), you’re probably just not a nap person. Maybe I’m not active enough for my body to need a full night’s sleep (again, defined at seven hours). I’m no longer sure I can say that since I spent yesterday doing more physical labor, mostly involving weeds and rocks, than I have done in a long time. Ii was expecting to end my sleep deprivation, but I woke up with my CPAP system telling me I was thirteen minutes shy of seven hours. I scored a 98, but by all rights I should have slept seven to eight hours and yet I didn’t.

That leaves me no choice but to assume that I am not at peace in my thoughts. As my friend Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living and I don’t think I can be accused of being oblivious. Perhaps I am obsequious to my own thoughts, but not oblivious. Let me run through the laundry list of normal concerns.

Money – always something I want not to be thinking about. I have minimal respect for money. That is a funny thing for a person who spent forty-five years in finance, and specifically thirty years managing money management businesses. Even funnier for someone hiring himself out as an expert witness on money management issues of import. But that is my reality (thank you, Mom, for imbuing me with the perspective to always put money thoughts at the bottom of the list). I view this trait as one showing extreme confidence and optimism. The thinking goes that there is always money that can be made to provide for my needs. In general, that has been the case. And as for this moment of quarantine, I have probably had more positive cash flow (various causes for that) in 2020 to date than normal, all while cash outflow has gone minimal. To being with, I have reduced my residences by one third (always more impactful than trying to simply economize). Then there is the reduced lifestyle costs of living out here in San Diego versus New York. Cabs and restaurants are killers. And then there is the lockdown, which further reduces whole big categories of expense, starting with travel costs. So, its not about money.

Safety – Yes, the man next door came up dead from Coronavirus, but I didn’t know him and I can’t even see that house even though it is a mere 100 yards away. The kids in NYC are all fine and weathering the storm. We have friends who have gotten the virus (all in NYC), but they have all come through it. We are healthy, feeling good, and are fundamentally safe.

The World – This is an increasing category of concern. We are watching an inordinate amount of cable news (yes, MSNBC). It is on pretty much all day even though I try not to watch it too much. I see a recent connection being made between rate of infection and homes with good internet connection. That’s sort of proxy for poverty, but I also think that staying in touch with what is happening is more important than ever. Thank God for the internet and vastly improved connectivity. It may be our salvation versus something like the Spanish Flu pandemic a century ago. I get less heart sick than Kim does, but I too worry about the future of the world. It’s less about the immediate economic impact (though perhaps it should be) and more about the long-term divisiveness that grips our world with the enlightened on one side and the pragmatic (that’s as kind as I can get) on the other side. The fundamental differentiator seems to be empathy and the ability to care about others of all sorts. I somehow cannot think that the last ten days has been different in this regard than the ten days before.

The best I can assume is that it is a cumulative and aggregate worry that is troubling me. This is probably driven by a minimization of social interaction. I heard a theory today that I found inordinately useful in thinking about how to deal with grief of all sorts. It is called Ring Theory. It may be one of the simplest and most useful social interaction thoughts I have ever heard.

Ring Theory, which usually refers to arcane mathematical theories, was “invented” by psychologists Susan Silk and Barry Goldman. It’s a theory that helps you know what to do in a crisis. If the crisis is directly happening to you, you’re in the center of the ring. If the crisis is happening to someone else that you know, you’re in one of the outer circles. Your degree of closeness to that person determines the proximity to the center that your ring inhabits. The fundamental tenet of the Ring Theory is that you provide comfort inward and grief outward. Think about that for a moment. It does not help a person who is in crisis to be reminded of the severe consequences that they face of the extreme loss that it may represent. That is simply cruel and harmful to the person. What they need during crisis is soothing, empathy and comfort. You need to push your grief outward to inform others of the situation and presumably in so doing, unburden your soul by giving voice to the horrors of the crisis. So the motto of the Ring Theory is “Comfort In, Grief Out”.

Let us consider how we should use this wonderful construct in this time of Coronavirus crisis. To start with, we have to ask who is in the eye of the storm. Obviously, someone who has lost a loved one is there without question. But so too are health care workers and perhaps even essential workers that must put themselves in harms way. We need to give succor to these people and NOT spend our time wringing our hands over the situation of the rest of us to these people. Just be from Venus, as the book taught us. If you have to be from Mars, point that shit outward to those who are further removed from the crisis of the moment. Clearly the biggest problem we face right now is that everyone is defining their own crisis. The starkest differentiator is health versus economics. What that means is that we must all be mindful of where others are coming from. It isn’t helpful to be judgmental. Everyone is allowed to define their own crisis. We will all get along better (something that must happen during a crisis) if we show more empathy inward to everyone’s perceived troubles and save our grieving and opinions for outward expression. Howl at the moon if that is the only place outside of the crisis.