Rejection and Regret
You know I am an eternal optimist and while some might think that is either naive or tactically artificial (like Donald Trump claiming to always be a winner and never a loser), I actually believe that my system creates excess serotonin and that seems to be something that happens overnight. I am serious about that, why else would I be such a difficult and cranky person at night (never engage me in an argument before bed…something Kim learned a long time ago), and such a warm, loving and optimistic person early in the morning. But wait a minute, science tells us that melatonin, the stuff that calms you and helps you sleep is made by serotonin. That implies that the more calm and optimistically happy serotonin you have, the more melatonin you can create and therefore the better able you are to sleep. You all know by now that as much of an optimist and excess producer of serotonin as I may be, I am not particularly a good sleeper. Most literature tells you to get seven to nine hours and I am satisfied when I get six. So, I conclude that I am as much in melatonin depravation as I am in serotonin excess. I have ventured into Wikipedia on the topic as much as I dare. I say that because it immediately gets you into organic chemistry and biosynthesis, which I know from all of my old pre-med college friends is not ground one should tread on lightly. In fact, I think reading about serotonin probably immediately reduces your levels of serotonin and makes you both unhappy and reduces production of melatonin and therefore promotes sleeplessness. Therefore, I prefer to use my version of logic rather than factual scientific evidence to make my point (and there I go again, acting more like Donald Trump by the minute!)
Rather than create my own theory of brain chemistry like Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., telling us how vaccinations work or not, I will make a few more observations as my way of explaining myself further (just what you all wanted out of life, an ability to explain me better). It simply must be that I create tons of serotonin overnight and then use it all up during the morning and early afternoon such that I turn into a Republican by late afternoon and have an insufficient amount to either be reasonable or show compassion for my fellow man and certainly not have enough left over to produce sufficient melatonin to get a longer night’s sleep. But then, logically, thank God for that sleeplessness because imagine how insufferably liberal I would be in the morning if I slept longer and stockpiled even more serotonin. Obviously, I am an uncontrollable consumer of my own serotonin and I have no ability to pace myself. If you look at the functions of serotonin, you will see that in addition to reward, motivation, pleasure and euphoria, it also promotes compulsion and perseveration. I certainly get the compulsion part and suggest that serotonin must rule my entire universe since it sows the very seeds of its own over-consumption. As for perseveration, a word I do not use often in polite conversation, it means that you get stuck on an idea or topic and can’t stop droning on about it (like Rain Man needing to watch Judge Wapner). Compulsion and perseveration are just the sort of things that probably make you fun at a party for a few minutes, but stop you getting invited back for the next party. That sounds like the story of my life in a nutshell.
What got me started down this path this morning is that one of my expert witness partners, who had teed me up for a potential assignment a few days ago (one which did not really fit my natural domain expertise profile very well, and yet which I put together a logic as to why I might be right for it), emailed me that the client had decided to go another way and would not be needing my services. To put this into context, I am in the midst of one of my best years of expert witness work flow. I have four active cases having finished with one other earlier in the year, and I have a seemingly constant backlog of four or five other cases which are “on the hoof” meaning that I am being considered for. Sometimes consideration takes the form of writing a few paragraphs about why I am suited and sometimes it goes so far as one of two interviews by Zoom. My point is that things are good and business is brisk. My team has even had me do six Master Classes this year for other new experts, implying a degree of seniority and expertise that is quite reassuring. But when I hear that I lost a potential assignment, I become an instantaneous and self-doubting baby about it. Why didn’t they like me? What are they thinking of me? There is a great and impactful scene in the new Oppenheimer movie, which I just saw, when Lewis Strauss (played by Robert Downey, Jr.) fails to be confirmed as Secretary of Commerce and tries to blame that on Robert Oppenheimer for supposedly badmouthing him to people like Albert Einstein. When he wonders aloud about what Oppenheimer may have said about him to Einstein, a senate aide says to him, “Maybe they were talking about something more important.” Boom! Fact of life, people are less focused on you and more focused on themselves than you can ever imagine. You are not the only pebble on the beach. Sometimes people reject you not because of you, but because it simply doesn’t suit them.
But rejection is still a buzz-kill. Here I am in the midst of my best year ever of expert witnessing and one peripheral and insignificant rejection makes me momentarily contemplative in a very existential way. Will I ever work again? Have I outlived my usefulness to the world at large? Maybe I should just curl up and die in the corner? And that’s when the serotonin comes in handy and gushes forth. I’m guessing I just automatically stepped on the gas and will see my serotonin tank go to empty a bit earlier this afternoon than normal. Luckily the sun is streaming into my office window and Wikipedia tells me that sunlight in my eyes promotes the immediate production of extra serotonin, so here I sit, already juicing my system and I’m not even dressed for the day yet.
The other R-word that comes up a lot around state of mind is regret, something I steadfastly believe in not having or even really acknowledging. And yet, this morning I read that there is an entire story on the value of regrets in making your life better. Strangely enough, it centered around one of my favorite topics, another R-word, retirement. It seems that retirement is made all the more challenging by there not really being many good role models the way there are role models for success in a career or profession. There is little demand for a book or movie rights to the story of a successful retiree, and yet maybe there should be. It seems that every aspect of retirement that leads to peace and fulfillment is something that will improve if you plan better for it. Planning is said to be the key. That’s easy to see about the financial side, but harder to see about the relationship side. The piece I read said that relationships are the key to all aspects of a successful retirement. I tend to agree. My well-maintained professional relationships allowed me to have great guest lecturers in my classes and helped me network myself into my expert witness gig. Treating people with respect over the years has led to some very lasting and warm friendships. And now, having a strong and loving partnership with Kim has made us able to make great friends in our local community. We are very fulfilled. We have minimal or no regrets. The sun is shining in my face and all is well with the world and will remain so until I deplete my daily supply of serotonin…