Last night we attended a surprise birthday party for my older sister, Kathy. Kathy is three years my senior, so she was turning 75. As an aside, both Kim and I are quite amazed at how young and vital she seems at 75, an age we have spent a lifetime thinking is old and yet which Kathy Reid very well. She is still very engaged in her architectural work and goes out into the field every day with her work boots or whatever gear is required to do her job. The event was planned by her husband of many years, Bennett, who while still very mobile and with it, at least looks his age with his white beard and shiny scalp. In attendance were about 40 or so people at the pleasant Rancho Bernardo Inn. The audience was comprised of about ⅓ family (including four grandchildren), about ⅓ work colleagues from their firm and those with whom she currently collaborates, and about ⅓ old friends from as far back as her and Bennett’s college days at Washington University. Nobody of her generation in the room looked better or more energetic than she did. Our mother, who lived to 100 would have been proud. About the only person on consequence in her life that was not in attendance was our sister Barbara, who lives in Las Vegas, so not so very far away, but is not traveling much these days.
After the cocktails and the surprise reveal at her arrival and then the buffet dinner, the room seemed to settle down into a chit-chatty rhythm that implied that it was time for some testimonials for the guest of honor. Kim went over to Bennett and asked if there was anything planned in particular to pay homage to Kathy. Bennett had done all the leg work for the gathering (ably assisted by daughter Stephanie). He told Kim that he had not planned to have any speeches, roasts or testimonials, but did not mind if anyone wanted to say a few words. I was feeling a bit punky with a cold and wanting to probably depart a bit on the early side, so I took all that as a cue to clink a wine glass and draw the crowd’s attention. It seemed only right for her younger brother to kick off the festivities, given that I had known Kathy longer than anyone else in the room. I recall one time many years ago when I was annoyed at Kathy about something and was complaining to Bennett about it, he put me correctly in my place by telling me that he would rather I not lay all this on him since at this stage of life, Kathy was more his wife than she was my sister. That floored me with a profound sense of reality. We do all move on in life from one nuclear stripping to another and Kathy had certainly formed her own nucleus and parted ways with whoever configuration we had grown up in. For what it’s worth, so had I. From that point on, I think I treated Bennett with more respect for his position and wisdom about the passages we all make in life.
But this seemed like the right moment to reinvoke my sense of Jus Primum as they say in Latin. This may have been the one and only circumstance when my position as Kathy’s brother of 72 years gave me any particular “first rights”, So, I stood and introduced myself to the crowd, who mostly seemed to know who I was, and I declared that I Chiel’s kick off the testimonials for Kathy as the person in the room who had known her the longest. When one gets up to speak to a crowd at a gathering, one can usually sense the mood of the crowd. I would argue that the crowd was in good spirits since little or nothing was expected of them this light-hearted evening. There was no competitive tension like one gets in an awards ceremony. There was no business angst as one gets in a business dinner. There was no academic or intellectual jockeying as one might find in a conference. Everybody was there to just reminisce and enjoy one another’s company. I almost sense that the crowd was happy that I was getting up to say a few words and even mildly interested in what I had to say.
I reminded everyone who I was and why we were here and then kept it fairly simple. I gave a historical context for my relationship with Kathy by briefly describing our youthful days as siblings, the long hiatus in our relationship as we each build our own lives (the time when most of the audience came to know her) and then the last dozen or so years since we moved out here and Kathy and I have been able to reaquaint ourselves with one another and spend more time together. I ended by commenting sixty how vital a 75 year old Kathy was and it was clear that everyone agreed with my assessment and that was that. None, short and sweet. I then opened the floor up for others to stand and give their own testimonials to Kathy…but no one chose to do so.
I do not think that others felt any less appreciative of their friendship with Kathy, but I just think that in general, people don’t like public speaking. It always strikes me as a funny reticence. I remember my first major public speaking engagement team I was in college. I had to address the incoming Freshman class with their parents in Bailey Hall at Cornell, a hall that held about 2,000 people. When I walked out onto that stage, for the first time in my life, I felt that out-of-body experience when you speak, but you almost feel like its someone else doing the talking. I recall using a turn of phrase that was almost unfamiliar to me and that had not been crafted ahead of time. It was as though some other-worldly entity had done the speaking. From that time on, I never again shied away from public speaking and, indeed, went on to do a great deal of it throughout my career. For thirteen years I also taught each week and therefore had a routine of getting up in front of a class and holding their attention for several hours. Public speaking was simply something that I did and had no trouble doing. I did not particularly crave the spotlight, but I felt that I was articulate enough and self-assured enough to do it well, so I did it whenever it was called for. At one point in my partnership career at Bankers Trust, I was one of the go-to guys to act as Master of Ceremonies whenever we had a partnership meeting. It was a role I took to and people seemed to feel I did it well, so that was that.
It seems that whenever there is a gathering, even and impromptu one, I get asked to say a few words where others have preferred to stay silent. I simply do not know what causes this trait to come to the surface, but it has in me for some reason. Two nights ago we were gathered at our friends Faraj & Yasuko’s house for a dinner party for eight of us. As I’ve mentioned, I had a cold and a bit under the weather, so I was more quiet than normal though I spoke when spoken to. Yesterday, Faraj asked me if I was OK because he had noticed how quiet I had been the night before. I assured him that I was just nursing a cold. But what it told me was that some of us are expected to conversantly lead the way in life and keep the conversation moving forward. Even if people do not want to speak or lead off, they all seem to want there to be lively conversation and they depend on people like me to get things going. Lucky for me, I don’t mind public speaking.