Pop Tarts

Pop Tarts

Where do old comedians go to die? Well, they find a comedian who managed to make it big thirty-five years ago and made so much money in syndication form his decade-long serial run on TV that he’s become a household name and people who have never even been to New York City think his New York CIty humor about nothing is hilarious. Then that guy, who’s worth somewhere around $1 billion from that series about nothing that ran for 180 episodes, is probably pretty bored and looking for a vanity project. Some Seinfeld aficionados will tell you that Seinfeld was the least funny character on his own show. Think about each character carefully. Julia Louis Dreyfus…very funny time and time again on Veep and in other movies like Enough Said. Michael Richards as Kramer hasn’t done a lot since Seinfeld, but I’m not sure he has to. He goes into the Pantheon of physical humorists along with Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton…and maybe John Belushi, John Candy and Chris Farley. George Costanza (and his parents, Jerry Stiller and Estelle Harris…rest their souls) is also timeless as Jason Alexander does mostly animated voices these days. Who among us does not have a hapless friend like George? Even Newwwwwwman (Wayne Knight) in all his 5’7” chubby glory gets good small parts all the time and is the quintessential smarmy guy. Real comedic scholars will tell you that it was less Jerry Seinfeld and more Larry David that made nothing so special. If you are a fan of Curb Your Enthusiasm, you know that ran for 12 seasons to Steinfeld’s nine seasons. What that should tell us is that the hilarious news of those two shows has only one common element and that’s Larry David.

What has Jerry Seinfeld done with his $1 billion of syndication earnings? To put that in perspective, Larry David is supposed to be worth about half of what Seinfeld is worth. While David could certainly have a hole in his pocket, I suspect Jerry just cut a better deal because he was on screen for that decade when David only got his on-screen mojo later for Curb. What Seinfeld has done since retiring to clip coupons is that he has returned to standup and done a few anthologies about his comedic genius, but for fun movies he has made Bee Movie (a telling name for a yawn of a comedy) and now he has made Unfrosted, a 2024 blockbuster of a movie that looked to ride the Barbie kitsch genre. The movie made a bit more than it cost to make, but no one is going to call it a success except Netflix, who put it on their platform as soon as the box office fizzled. I’m not sure why I saw the movie (it was on Netflix and not in the theaters), but it was probably because it had some very memorable comedians on its roster. There was Melissa McCarthy, Jim Gaffigan, Hugh Grant, Sarah Cooper, Kyle Mooney, Amy Schumer and James Marden (as Jack LaLanne). These once-great comedians probably didn’t do the movie for the quality of the script (Seinfeld starred in it, produced it, directed it and, yes, wrote it). I’ll bet in comedy land if Seinfeld calls, you answer the phone and do what he says. He is comedic royalty I guess or maybe its just the $1billion that they all hope they can figure out how to copy somehow.

The story is the story of the American suburbs. Steinfeld’s kitchen shelves were always stocked with lots of cereal boxes and cereal was always an acceptable substitute dinner in a pinch for him. Such is the story of people who grew up in the suburbs when I did. Jerry Seinfeld is almost exactly my age, so I can say that yes, we all knew that cereal came from Battle Creek, Michigan where Kelloggs and Post were located. The story is about those two cereal powerhouses who have managed to get big enough to be their own public companies and not get gobbled up by one of the food conglomerates. The movie is about how those Battle Creek competitors came head to head in 1964. They both wanted to innovate in the breakfast food space, so Kelloggs came up with Pop Tarts while Post gave them a run for their money with Country Squares (a.k.a. Toast’em Pop Ups). But I had to look up what Post posted to compete with Pop Tarts eve though Amy Schumer as Marjorie Post would lead you to believe they were more in the running. What made Pop Tarts so successful was that you could rip open a Mylar foil and voila…you had a pleasant breakfast…in fact, you had two pleasant breakfasts and we all know us Americans like to double down on any good thing.

Well, I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Pop Tarts. I liked the fruit ones and I especially likes the brown sugar ones. Grabbing a Mylar packet and running out the door always seemed like the good start of the day. I know that people who understand nutrition will tell you that at 205 calories per Pop tart and 23% of those calories coming from saturated fat, there is very little good about Pop Tarts. If something tastes good, I don’t think that nutritional common sense does much to deter me. Maybe that’s my problem, but I’m getting the dueling that with sales over 3 billion of the little buggers, I am not alone in liking those little Mylar packets.

So, I watched the movie and thought what started out looking funny or potentially funny, fell pretty flat. That’s what Rotten Tomatoes said and every review I have seen says more or less the same thing. All the best comedic talent in the world can’t make up for a mediocre script. Some movies really make an impact on your year. Unfrosted came and went almost unnoticed. I doubt Jerry Seinfeld will be adding to his fortune through syndication fees on that one. That’s OK, its hard to know what people will or won’t like in a movie. I’ve invested in only one movie, Super Troopers 2, which I did because my long-time friend Peter was the executive producer who made a small fortune on the original Super Troopers when it became a cult classic. I am one of those few who never really got the humor of either the original or the eventual sequel. I figured I would never see a payback, but lo and behold, that investment has probably given me a 40% return (absolute, not annualized). Still, not bad at all. Luckily, I didn’t invest in Unfrosted.

The other morning I was running late and had to run out somewhere. I don’t do breakfast very often, but I was hungry that morning. And there it was on the counter, an open box of strawberry Pop Tarts. I grabbed the Mylar package and ran out to my truck. Somewhere down the road I tore open the pack and took a big bite of my Pop Tart. Whoa! We’re Pop tarts always this nasty tasting? I kept trying to like the rest of the tart, but it wasn’t happening. It turns out that I no longer like Pop Tarts. How does that happen? I feel like my youthful memories have been shattered. I actually threw out the second Pop Tart rather than eating it. In the movie, the old fuddy duddy of the cereal world is portrayed as the Quaker Oats guy. Right about now I am thinking I might enjoy a Quaker Oats granola bar. Who would have guessed it?