Tomorrow is Mothers Day and it has caught me somewhat unaware. While I am like most people and regularly forget or ignore Fathers Day, I have done a reasonable job over the years of remembering Mothers Day. I imagine that I am in the top 10% of people who revere their mothers and consider them the primary motivator of their lives. I was raised, from start to finish, by my mother. She is responsible for all the good and certainly some of the bad things about my imperfect being. I hold her in the highest regard for how she lived her life and for all that she accomplished during it. My mother died eight years ago, but not more than a few days go by without me remembering some wisdom or some aspect of her that I am reminded about during my everyday life. I always remembered her on Mothers Day and can even remember as a young boy taking my loose change to the local grocery and trying to find something to buy her that she might like. I recall once buying her Prell Shampoo on the theory that it had something to do with pearls (ah, the power of Madison Avenuse!).
My two first wives are mothers to my three children. In their own ways, they did the best they could for the kids and were certainly dedicated mothers. I have generally tried to remember Mothers Day by sending them flowers over the years. I am using the excuse of my forgetfulness this year to change things up and move myself to a Happy Mothers Day text to each of them. I think that is appropriate given that the older two are 43 and 39 years old this year and the younger one turns 30 in a few months. I am rationalizing here, but that seems like an appropriately long time to have celebrated with flowers the act of their motherhood. I feel I can rightly pass the torch to the three of them to carry on the remembrance of their mother’s devotion to them just as I did for my mother. I believe they will retain that obligation through to the finish line, however and whenever it should take shape.
My sisters are both mothers as well. I do not get involved too closely with the Mothers Day habits of their children, but I imagine they both get their form of appreciation from their kids as well. I will probably send them each a Mothers Day text as well…what the hell. I will likely draw the line there and not invade the text inbox of my three half sisters, since that has never been on the program card and should probably not start at this point. They are all three grown women who I like quite a bit, but it would be disingenuous to insert myself in their nuclear households since I have never celebrated a Mothers Day with any of the three.
Tomorrow, in honor of a visit to our area by Kim’s sister and nephew, both of whom live north of us by a few hours, we will be hosting a Mothers Day luncheon on what promises to be a glorious hilltop day. The temperature is supposed to reach 94 degrees today, but should come down to a more comfortable 86 degrees tomorrow. We will have all of Kim’s family and most of my local family for the soirée. That will be Sharon & Woo from Camarillo, Will & Ashley from Pacific Beach, Josh, Haj, JJ and Leila from Pasadena, Jeff & Lisa from Escondido, Kathy & Bennett from Poway, Stephanie, Ben, Mila and Rhy from Carlsbad and Alex and Charlie from Vista. Missing will be Natalie and Jack from Vista (on account of nap time). That will mean we will have 20 for lunch. I will get the bagels and Kim will get the ham. That’s about all I know about the event, but I am hoping that everyone will enjoy the new croquet pitch for a few rounds before gathering in the kitchen like they always do.
My other big Mothers Day obligation is to my daughter, Carolyn. I called her yesterday to prepare her for the fact that I forgot to send any flowers. She laughed it off, so I hope I have not created any hidden wounds to add to the other wounds of youth I have inflicted on my children over the years. I feel the need to speak for a moment about Carolyn. She was a shy and quiet little girl, but one who had lots more moxie than she wore on her sleeve. I have that impression of her from her earliest years. She has a tough outer layer, but an incredibly warm and sensitive heart. She always wanted a dog and finally, after she met her husband, John, got Abe, her one and only dog, who is now 14 years old and going strong. Carolyn chose a man in John that sort of shocked her mother because he was more than a little like me. He was a Cornell graduate who worked in the financial realm. He was also a large man who bore some resemblance to me and my physique back before his bariatric surgery and years of Ozempic have trimmed him down considerably. John is also like me in being cerebral, but with a desire to always be more physical. I gave him my bike when I left New York and he rides that damn thing like I used to when I was his age.
Carolyn is the mother of two sweet and wonderful girls, Charlotte and Evelyn. It is no coincidence that Carolyn chose traditional, almost Old World, names for her daughters. The configuration of having two daughters was exactly what she wanted and what she got. She and her girl posse do everything together. I am so very impressed by how engaged Carolyn is as a mother. She takes her girls everywhere, all the time. She is forever planning activities for them and they want for nothing when it comes to good parenting (John gets his due as well in this regard, as he provides a good balancing foil to Carolyn’s cautious instincts). I am going out on a limb here, but I believe that regardless of grandparent pride, those two girls are the sweetest and most well-rounded and secure children I know. I don’t be\lieve that is an accident or that it is just due to their nature. I believe that is the direct result of the amazing mothering that Carolyn has provided them. To be clear, Carolyn has a Bachelor of Arts in Art History from Cornell University, but despite a few years working for Scholastic (the children’s publisher of such greats as Highlights Magazine…that magazine we all read at the doctor’s office), she has been a stay-at-home mom and always knew that was her calling. There are only a few mothers who make that kind of devotion to their children, but Carolyn rises to that level of commitment.
I have to take another moment to thank Carolyn for acknowledging the mothering she gets from Kim. Kim is as maternal as any woman I know, but her life path did not include children of her own. During a post-graduate year when Carolyn lived with us in the South Street Seaport, she and Kim became very close. I think it is fair to say that Kim knows more about what’s up with Carolyn at any moment than I do. I do not believe this relationship takes anything away from the obvious strong bond that exists between Carolyn and her mother, but Carolyn has found a spot in her heart for Kim that is also very special. Her annual Mothers Day tribute to Kim is one of the highlights of Kim’s year and I know it touches a very special place in Kim’s heart.
Mothers are a very sensitive subject for us all. This clearly goes way beyond the physical bond that takes place in the womb. It is mostly about all the sacrifices that are made along the slow and steady process of preparing children for the world. Without intended dismissal of the role that some fathers play in the lives of their children, I think it is fair to say that mothers deserve most of the credit for the continuation and advancement of our species.