Long Distance Grieving

Long Distance Grieving

I am packed and ready to head to the airport for a Redeye flight to JFK, arriving tomorrow there at the bright and early time of 5am. I know I won’t sleep much on the flight even though i am traveling in Jet Blue’s Mint service, which had lie-flat seats. I used to sleep like a baby on overnight flights when I was in full work harness, but those days and those capabilities are long gone. I would like to think that it has mostly to do with the hard surfaces that even a Mint seat represents, but the truth is probably more likely that my joints simply don’t do well on anything short of a soft pillow-top mattress. This is a quick trip specifically to show my respect for the passing of my long-time business friend Greg. There will be a wake tomorrow from 2-6pm in Southport, Connecticut, so when I arrive I will jump in my Avis rental car (I splurged and got a luxurious Chrysler 300, given that a full-size is now considered a Toyota Camry….what used to be a compact in the old days). It will take me more or less 90-100 minutes to get there on good old Rt. 95 along the Westchester and Fairfield County, Connecticut coastline along Long Island Sound. I know the route well since I had to travel it for business starting in 1976 and that never really stopped until I left New York at the end of 2019. Over those forty plus years, that road has not improved too much, but at least it will be a Sunday heading away from the City, so it should be OK traffic-wise.

Given the circumstances, I booked two nights at the Best Western Plus in Fairfield, which turns out to be about three blocks from the funeral home where the wake will be celebrated. The plan is to get up there as quickly as I can, jump into bed and try to get some shuteye, shower up, put on my dark suit, white shirt and somber tie, and go to the wake good and early. Given that I knew Greg for thirty years and we worked together in three places, I am likely to know a fair number of the attendees. But then, Greg worked for ten years beyond my departure from Bear Stearns (our last place together) and I’m sure a lot of the people he knew most recently at J.P. Morgan will likely be there for him. A summer Sunday midday wake may be fraught with lots of attendance issues since people have an easy time justifying the trade off of time with the family versus paying respects to the departed. The funeral itself is on Monday at noon, which is problematic for me.

I was led to believe that it was to be a Monday morning event, so I booked a return flight for Monday afternoon leaving JFK at 4pm. A noon funeral, even if it ends at 1pm leaves me way too little time to make my flight given the distances and the potential for metro area traffic. I spent an hour last night on the hone with Jet Blue, playing both my Mosaic status and funeral-attending status to try to push my flight to a direct flight on Tuesday morning, but everything was booked. I was prepared to book a night at the TWA Hotel at JFK and catch the early return flight, but no such luck.

Instead, I will spend whatever time seems appropriate on Sunday at the wake and rationalize that the wake is about connecting with the living and paying personal tribute to Greg with his family and our mutual friends. I will skip the funeral out of necessity and as that it more of a religious ceremony, I am less concerned about being absent. I am also guessing it will be well-attended given the weekend issues many will be facing. I think traveling across the country to pay my respects is a strong statement of the importance of the man to me and my love and respect for him, but I must admit I wish I could have adjusted my flights to be there for the funeral as well. As it is, I will meet up with our close mutual friend, Roger, near the church for breakfast and then “pass the baton” for our gang over to him for the funeral. He cannot attend the wake and our other mutual friend, Larry, does not return from a family vacation until Monday night. We have all reassured Larry that Greg, of all people, would understand the personal priorities and not be bothered by the absence.

I have found myself in a bit of a death vortex at the moment. With Greg’s unexpected death as the central issue, I have been checking in on another friend who’s wife is on a death watch for her mother, who is in her last days across the country from where my friend is spending his time biding his time. The uncertainty of the timing of such things is difficult and I keep asking him if he wants me to come and keep him company. He is no spring chicken, but he says he’s doing fine on his own. In the meantime, I got a call yesterday from another friend who is, once again, younger than me. It seems he has spent the last two months battling pancreatic cancer at both the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota and and Memorial Sloan Kettering in New York. It seems that he is in stage 4, so not a good place to be on such things, but it also seems that his case is unique enough that both the Mayo Clinic and the NIH have asked him to be part of a clinical study in exchange for not charging him for any of his treatments. He says they even send him an Uber each morning to go to the clinic for his treatments. He has spent over a month on radiation therapy and is now charting gears into a course of chemotherapy. None of it sounds like fun, but his spirits seemed high even if his voice gave away a degree of fatigue that was unmistakable.

On the positive front, brother-in-law Jeff seems to finally be coming back from the depths of his back surgery. He says that while he is still in a great deal of pain, he feels he is “over the hump” and getting a bit more functional every day. When I spoke to him, I told him about the other people with issues as a way of reminding him that we must all count our blessings no matter where we are in the lifecycle. He was quick to agree.

I’m going a long way to grieve for my friend Greg, but I would have it no other way. It may not do much for him at this point, but it does a lot for my soul and my ability to reflect on what a wonderful life we all get to enjoy every day.