iPad Espionage
September 4, 2018 – Memphis, TN (AP) – Today the Department of Homeland Security announced that it had confiscated and was holding for investigation, an iPad Pro that had been traveling globally through the FedEx system for an indeterminate time for indeterminate purposes. A spokesman for FedEx said, “We just ship and deliver the stuff.” A DHS official who preferred not to be identified said, “This iPad was suspicious in its origin, purpose, functionality and intent. We view this instrument as a potential national security threat and will use the full extent of our powers to understand what is going on here and how it might be an elaborate politically-motivated plot to subvert President Trump’s new, sound, immigration and/or energy protocols.”
The iPad is the latest in geosynchronous technology that allows an owner to track its whereabouts and receive detailed information about its surroundings on a remote basis. Disguised as a normal work/entertainment tool for multi-level internet connectivity and productivity management, it is also a vehicle of advanced capabilities for tracking and surveillance. DHS, in a formal announcement, declared its suspicion of the technology and why someone would transport such a leading-edge tool overseas where it might be exposed to dangerous elements focused on subverting Unites States national security.
The iPad was apparently abandoned by its owner in Reykjavik, Iceland last Thursday. Its owner is a top executive in a U.S.-based company involved in cutting-edge scientific research that seeks to disrupt major industrial chemical businesses involved in ammonia production and energy storage. One of the leading U.S. companies in this space is Koch Industries, a Wichita-based conglomerate owned by the Koch brothers, leading GOP contributors that recently pledged $100 million to stabilizing the interim elections in November. Koch Industries spokesmen said, “We do not know about this company or its technology, but can say with assurance that nothing they do or try will impact Koch and its powerful grip on the all-important hydrocarbon ecosystem. As for Iceland, we do not believe any country with as much natural renewable energy sources is to be trusted. We are pleased to see the DHS take such quick and decisive action for the safety of our beloved country and to help make America great again.”
Seeking to unravel this mystery, our reporter has learned through multiple, but anonymous sources that the iPad, which had gathered critical electrochemical reactor data, was “dropped” at the Reykjavik Hilton and then, at the request of its owner, sent by hotel staff in a FexEx parcel back to the United States. It seems the iPad traveled to Paris, France (home of the controversial Paris Accord and Emmanuel Macron, President of France, Global Warming conspiracy theorist) for unknown reasons. It then flew under cover of night to Memphis, where it insinuated itself with thousands of other innocent FedEx packages that arrive at this hub daily. The iPad then mysteriously made its way to Newark. The iPad next appeared on the tracking system in lower Manhattan in the vicinity of Clarkson Street. This is where DHS Delta Team members seized and perp-walked the device to Federal Court for a quick and decisive arraignment by a newly appointed FISA court judge (who coincidentally, was an intern to Judge Kavanaugh in the D.C. Circuit Court).
After a successful plea-bargaining arrangement, the iPad (which had to wait its turn behind several 3-year old Guatemalan defendants), DHS officers followed the iPad in a disguised FedEx truck to the home of Richard Marin, who was taken into custody on suspicion of treason and high crimes and misdemeanors. Mr. Marin declined to comment and his wife, a cabaret singer, said, “I know nothin’ about nothin”. Meanwhile, Mr. Trump boarded Air Force One on his way to a rally in Memphis saying, “God bless FedEx and God bless the U.S.A.”