Traditional wedding vows have evolved over centuries and vary by religious tradition and culture. Christian/Anglican tradition (from the Book of Common Prayer, dating to 1549) is “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.” This is clearly the vow most of us know best. The Catholic tradition is somewhat different and less broadly familiar with “I, [name], take you, [name], to be my [husband/wife]. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.” Protestant variations often include vows like “I, [name], take thee, [name], to be my wedded [husband/wife], to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God’s holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith.” In the Jewish tradition (part of the ketubah and ceremony) the Hebrew blessings are central, but couples often also exchange personal vows alongside traditional elements. The phrase “to have and to hold” is most often present and appears to be among the oldest elements, with roots in medieval English marriage customs. The specific wording has been adapted over time, but the core commitments to mutual support through life’s challenges have remained consistent across centuries and denominations.
People marry for a wide variety of reasons that have evolved throughout history and differ across cultures and individuals. Some of the most common motivations include love and companionship, commitment and stability, family and children, legal and financial benefits, social and cultural expectations, religious or spiritual reasons, or some form of personal growth and partnership. Sometimes it as basic as the fact that marriage comes with numerous practical advantages like shared health insurance, inheritance rights, tax benefits, and simplified financial planning. In many societies, marriage is still seen as a natural life milestone or social norm, and family or community pressure can influence the decision. That can extend to the thinking that marriage is a sacred commitment made before God or within their faith tradition, representing a spiritual bond that goes beyond the legal one. Marriage can provide a formal framework for commitment that can offer emotional security and relationship stability. It’s a public declaration of intent to stay together through life’s ups and downs. Some couples marry because they want to create a family unit, whether to have children together or to provide a stable environment for raising kids…though demographic research shows this is less and less the case. But I would like to think that most people marry because they’ve found someone they deeply care about and want to build a life together, sharing experiences, supporting each other through challenges, and enjoying intimate partnership. Those people usually find that marriage helps them become better versions of themselves through the challenges and joys of deep partnership.
I had two friends who married during college (in an era when pre-marital sex was almost expected and certainly condoned), so they presumably did so to make some sort of point to one another. Many of my college friends married right after college, almost like an acknowledgement that life was moving on and they did not want to risk losing one another’s love and connection by virtue of the random walk of life. When I think about my marriage experiences (all three plus a few failed attempts), the reasons were never religious, cultural, children, legal, structural or even financial. I wanted companionship, commitment and love as the foundation of a partnership to make the life journey more enjoyable. It is my view that life, while certainly hard at times, is simply more fulfilling when shared with another person. That is not so different than the cultural norm of surrounding oneself with friends and loved ones as a means of getting more pleasure out of the ride. I have always understood that there is a certain efficiency in the model of a primary partnership. Two may be nature’s optimal number for the division of labor and the securing of stability. It would certainly seem so unless we suspect that the larger pack or community is more important. As animals, we do have a pack instinct or social grouping behavior. That makes us like wolves, wild dogs, and some primate species. There is a degree of cooperative hunting, shared child-rearing, and coordinated group decision-making. Pack behavior helps us survive through protection from predators, and resource sharing. We form complex social bonds, communicate extensively, and often work together for mutual benefit, but I don’t think any of that supplants the nuclear unit of the primary partnership. In this country more than some others, the importance of independence of that primary nuclear unit is more marked than the reliance on the collective. That may be the result of our good fortune as a nation in having ample resources and opportunities.
I sit here and look at Kim and I think that we are a perfect partnership. We are alike in ways that make us both comfortable. We are different in ways that show the importance of diversity and breadth. And we care about one another in a way that adds confidence and stability to our lives and allows us to reach for the fulfillment that appeals to us each individually and together. Those are all the better side of the equation of life and after 20 years together I believe we would both say that we have gotten what we wanted and bargained for from the partnership. This is not to say there haven’t been ups and downs, but rather that they have not upset the overall arc of the relationship. There is no reason to think that will change any time soon, but then again, life does move on and it would be foolish to think that life will always be a bed of roses. So what might the “worse” look like? Having been married twice before, I feel highly confident in saying what it will not look like. My prior two marriages lasted 13 and 10 years respectively, so I believe that with 20 years under my belt this time, I can say that Kim and I want the same things out of what’s left of our lives. We have a very consistent and agreeable pace of life and both our preferences and senses of humor and righteousness are totally in synch. The “worse” would therefore likely have to come from some fundamental change in circumstance and that seems to boil down to one of four things, financial, health, compos mentis or planetary issues. I will rule out financial, because even with a setback, I feel we are both flexible enough and resourced enough to figure that out. The planetary issues (flood, earthquake, wildfire, nuclear holocaust, meteoric, etc., etc.) are such that they are out of our control and impossible to anticipate or predict…so why worry about them. That means the inexorable march of time and its impact on our physical and mental health are the culprits we need to consider.
We are witnessing some of that in our family and friends network right now and it tends to breed lots of conversation between us. We see lots of confusion, denial, avoidance, and other emotions at play… enough so that we want to think this whole kluge through while we can do so objectively. I believe we have a plan in our heads about how to deal with the worse, should the worse ever arrive. Meanwhile, we will try to help our family and friends get through their versions of worse and wait to get through ours as best we can. The one thing we are sure of is that as long as we are each standing, we will take the better and the worse together.