Family Business
Like most people, Tony had a quirky family. He wasn’t sure it was any more dysfunctional than others, but it sure was in the running for most whacky. Let’s start with his cousin Dean and his wife Lois. Over the years, Tony and his wife Elvira had grown very close Dean and Lois. Dean took care of Tony’s summer house and the four of them vacationed in various exotic places together almost every year. They had become great friends over the last fifteen years. Dean had two sisters and a brother, who were all married and living in the same town. Tony was their cousin too (technically, first cousins once removed). Tony knew the two sisters reasonably well and probably saw them annually at one function or another.
Strangely enough, Tony and Elvira did not know Dean’s brother Jimmy and his wife Ellen. They were close in age to Dean and Lois and lived three houses away from one another, and Dean and Jimmy worked together, and yet for all the time they spent together (including at Dean and Lois’, three houses away), Tony and Elvira never saw Jimmy and Ellen. Not once over fifteen years.
Tony had once mentioned how strange that was and was quickly sorry to have opened Pandora’s Box. It seemed that Lois and Ellen had fallen out twenty years ago over something. Since Tony literally did not know Ellen he had to just hear Lois’ version of the story. Ellen had done something territorial and snarky and when Lois had tried to get past it she was met with a brick wall. Apparently, the situation had gone downhill from there and the two women had gone to their respective corners and never spoken again.
Dean and Billy did what guys often do, they shrugged and carried on their brotherly relationship with one another, but just avoided each other’s wife. One can imagine how hard that is at local family gatherings or even block parties, but that’s where it landed and that’s where it stood to this day. When Tony asked if they could all do something together to try to get past it, he got a two-page email from Lois, the gist of which was to say do whatever you like with whomever you like, but leave me out of it if it involves Ellen. It doesn’t get more plain and simple than that.
Occasionally Dean would ask Jimmy about it and neither one of them had the energy or bravery to beard this lion in its den, so they left it alone. Leaving it alone is an easy and fulfilling path if you let it be. Sometimes it’s not an option and other family situations just won’t leave you alone. That was the case of Dean and Steve.
Tony, Dean and Bruce were cousin’s as well. Steve was from the black sheep clan of the family. Tony and Dean’s uncle was an OK guy, but he had married a challenging woman who grew up in the upper class, only to have to live with the rest of the mortals with Bruce’s father. She had raised three children, the youngest of whom was Bruce. Her children could do no wrong and as the baby, Bruce was extra special. Tony and Dean often laughed about that family and their foibles, but they had moved down to the Ozarks and was thus, far removed.
One day, out of the blue, Tony got an email from Bruce requesting an eight hundred dollar loan. Tony and Elvira discussed it and were inclined to help n the simple theory that it was family. Tiny called up Dean and said he had a special deal for him. He would cut Dean in for half the loan and in that way they could each have a $400 shield against a Bruce ever engaging in their lives again. It’s what Tony called the Bronx Tale solution where Chaz Palmentieri explains the theory of the “never-bother-me-again loan) to Robert DeNiro’s son. Dean found great humor in this offer, but politely declined it. Tony said he would be sorry one day and proceeded to send Bruce the $800.
About a month later, Bruce suddenly showed up at Dean’s tavern. When Dean asked him why he was in town, Bruce explained that he had arranged with Dean’s mother to move in with her. Dean’s mother was a lonely woman who liked to talk and if there’s one thing Bruce was good at it was talking. While Dean tried to think of reasons why that was not a good idea, Bruce got the jump on him and rushed to his mom’s house. He was welded to the sofa by the time Dean got there. He then asked Dean for help moving in while he took his dog for a walk.
It’s been five years now and Bruce and the pup are still fixtures in Dean’s mom’s house. Bruce has had many jobs, but all those people who hired him were do stupid according to him that it never lasted for long. It was fine though since he and Dean’s mom got along fine on her Social Security and tavern dividends.
When Tony sees Dean and the subject of Bruce comes up, Tony reminds him of the price he could have paid for the never-bother-me-again potion. Tony had, true to form, not heard a peep from Bruce in those five years and was a happy man for it.
It was getting complicated for Tony these days. He had to avoid mention of Ellen and lean in hard about Bruce whenever he saw Dean and Lois. Near or far, close or distant, ill-willed or good-natured, it was all just another case of family business.