Existential Joy

My daughter Carolyn ran her 10th NYC Marathon yesterday. She started before she had her two daughters and other than the obvious hiatuses while pregnant, she has been doing this annually for fifteen years. She started during college and hasn’t stopped since. In fact, her goal, she tells me, is to complete 15 NYC Marathons so that she can join that elite New York Roadrunners group who get automatic annual entrance exemptions without either having to raise funds or run in interim races throughout the year. I can think of many reasons why she runs marathons and wants to continue to do so, but at this point it is simply a part of her identity and its clear that it is an existential joy for her. I suspect she likes the endorphin rush from the physical exercise, keeping her trim and healthy is certainly of value, and as a stay-at-home mom (who has a work-from-home husband), I’m sure getting some alone time to think and free her spirit must be nice for her. I’ve never asked her just how important it is to her and while I’m sure it would not be higher on the list than, say, family, I think its pretty much up there given the commitment it takes on a sustained basis and the fact that it has persisted for so long as a part of her life.

It’s much easier for me to figure out Kim. Since getting caught during kindergarten nap time singing and dancing in the little girls room, Kim has had a passion for singing and dancing. After her youthful dance class and choir participation, Kim went to Indiana University to study drama. She spent ten years after college pursuing a performance career in Los Angeles with only minimal success, so she followed her dream to move to New York after meeting some people who lived in NYC, but were doing summer stock in Vermont. She came to get closer to the NYC performing scene and spent her time teaching drama at private girls’ schools and auditioning for any and every stage opportunity she could qualify for. She started to get cast in various minor roles in musical theater productions (mostly touring companies that bused their way around the country to bring Broadway to the masses). When we met in 2005, she had been in many of the Broadway musical theater standards and had a full coterie of musical theater friends to share apartments, dinners, drinks, bus rides and dreams among. Her best friends are still her musical theater friends. After we met, she chose to “settle down” and focus on cabaret since traveling in that way is like being in the circus, there are great stories, but the existence tends to wear thin. She threw herself wholeheartedly into cabaret and became a part of the inner circle of the NYC cabaret community, even getting to sing in the Cole Porter 75th memorial at Carnegie Hall and the Cabaret Convention at Lincoln Center. She is quick to point out that she is no Patti LuPone in terms of her musical theater chops, but she’s had and still has some impact. Gradually, she has found her musical theater footing out here in San Diego with her Encore Vocal Ensemble where she has performed for a handful of seasons and is now directing and choreographing the productions. She tells me she thoroughly enjoys it and it is clear that her top-most passion in life is her music and performance work.

This week as she struggles with her brother Jeff’s health crises (today is her 11th day in a row of spending the day at the hospital in LaJolla where he is being treated…mostly in ICU), she has told me that her impending show, which is scheduled for Friday and Saturday is more of a Godsend than anything for her. There is little she can do at the hospital but provide comfort to Jeff and his wife Lisa and since her rehearsals are either near the hospital or near where Jeff & Lisa live in Escondido, she just goes off to spend her day first at the hospital in some degree of grief and then on to the rehearsal hall where she can distract herself with the thing that most brings her joy in the world. There is no doubt that Kim’s existential joy comes from her music and performance work. Having been with Kim through twenty years of the performance cycle (be it a show or a cabaret), I know that the post-partum moments are always rather dramatic and hard for her. I anticipate that will be doubly so after this coming week.

It so happens that Kim has agreed to have us host the after-show party here on our hilltop on Saturday after the last performance. We’ve done that the two last years and its a sizable production for us without the backdrop of the family health drama. While our entertaining is always driven by Kim, the quintessential hostess, I think it’s fair to say that her schedule doesn’t allow for her to take up much of those duties this time. I usually do a few things in preparation for such events, but nothing like what I expect to need to do this week. There are outdoor lights to put up. There are tables and chairs to arrange and set up. There is a trip to CostCo for supplies to be undertaken. There isn’t much I can do to mitigate Kim’s difficult week, but taking charge of this party is something I can do so that she has one less thing to worry about.

When we are faced with the realities of life and even thoughts of our own mortality, this is when thoughts about existential joy come to the fore. It began with thinking about my daughter’s marathon run and then it naturally gravitated to Kim and what brings her joy, especially at times like this. So I began wondering what brought me my existential joy. I can assure you it has nothing to do with my chosen profession of the last 50 years…that I do because I’m reasonably good at it and have done it a long time. My greatest passion is motorcycle riding, but that seems somewhat adolescent in the grand scheme of life. My writing brings me great joy and I do feel I want to be remembered as a good storyteller. But I think what this week has reminded me is that my greatest existential joy is being with and taking care of Kim in whatever way she needs me. So, in that sense, I feel in my element at the moment.