Being Kind is Cool
My granddaughter Evelyn arrived with her family yesterday and after the hugs and car loading we headed off from the airport to go to a lunch spot we like on San Diego Bay. We use to like our visits to San Diego to start that way and like to show our guests the same pleasurable entry point. Once we had sat down I could finally look at my granddaughters and chat with them. Charlotte, the ten-year-old was doing what she always does, which is sit next to her father (she is a very clear Daddy’s girl) and smile a lot. She is a bright young girl with an inquisitive and adventurous mind. She has always been a meat-eater who will try anything and in that way is quite uncharacteristic of most young girls. Evelyn, who is now seven-years-old and has just finished first grade is a more typical little girl with very particular and, one might say, picky eating habits. While Charlotte asked if I was going to eat the rest of my pork empanada, which I was happy to give her, Evelyn was busy coloring her placemat with a rainbow array, and not eating other than to take one bite of her chicken finger to appease her mother and several French fries (no ketchup, thank you) to slack whatever wink of hunger she might have. They both drank their lemonades and that was their lunch.
Both girls are active and athletic, but Charlotte is the more so and she plays Lacrosse and swims like a fish. Evelyn, who also enjoys her time in the pool is your typical kids soccer player who occasionally engages in the scrum, but is mostly there to be social and wear the uniform. But then at this year’s school field day, Evelyn surprised me by putting in a massive effort in a foot race and coming out the victor through sheer determination.
Charlotte has long straight blonde hair that she wears in a ponytail that reaches her lower back. Evelyn has cut her otherwise long blonde hair to shoulder length and it too is mostly straight, but it tries to be curly and ends up half straight and half wavy. Evelyn cut her hair to donate it, but I also suspect she wanted it shorter like her friends. Charlotte looks at all times like a silent and obedient student of the world around her while Evelyn carries a more impish look about her that involves a lot of head tilts and squinty stares. Her intelligence is more a mystery, but it is certainly there, just hidden behind more of a questioning attitude. Charlotte takes things at face value where Evelyn seems to want to challenge most things.
While Charlotte was decked out in a Disneyland shirt, channeling their future visit to their favorite theme park in a few weeks, Evelyn was wearing a pink shirt with white bubble letters. Her shirt said “Being” on the top line and “Cool” on the bottom line. What I thought it said in the middle line was “Kind of”, which sort of made sense to me for a little kid. Someone young might very well not be certain that she was really cool, so she might think its fun to say she is being kind of cool. It has that very understandable blend of pride and humility as well as an understanding of the importance of self-awareness. I liked it visually and I liked its sentiment. Then she moved in her seat at lunch and I realized that what the shirt said was “Being Kind Is Cool.”
Charlotte may be the kindest and most patient older sister in the world. It has always struck me over the last seven years that she is a role model sister who puts up with whatever Evelyn needs or wants, no matter how unreasonable it may be. She accepts her place as the older sibling and stays by her wing man through thick or thin. And Evelyn is her wing man. I tell Evelyn all the time that she is lucky to have such a patient and loving older sister, not knowing if any of that sinks in to her. But as much as Charlotte is as perfect as one could ask a child to be, her nature makes it unsurprising that she is that way. Evelyn, on the other hand is always a surprise. I keep figuring that she is the one with moxie, but that she will not be the brightest bulb or the most empathetic or the best athlete, and she consistently proves me wrong.
Back when Evelyn was in nursery school, my daughter sent me a copy of her first complete “report card”, which was really a narrative by her teacher about how she was doing in her preparation for the real scholastic track that begins with kindergarten. What this report said was that Evelyn was the smartest, friendliest, best liked and most helpful student they had ever had at the school. This was a well established Brooklyn nursery school that had operated for some time and that Charlotte had attended several years earlier. This glowing report about Evelyn put the sense in us that we had perhaps underestimated her. Whatever she seemed to be at home, which was more or less a normal rambunctious kid, was somehow different and more impressive in an objective setting where love is less the factor than actions. Evelyn apparently acted as much or more the perfect child at school in the same way that Charlotte acted that role around us. We were pleased since we seemed to have two perfect children with one showing those traits all the time (Charlotte was also well-regarded at school), and one showing them when it mattered to the outside world and being more reserved about it all at home.
I have long since learned that we as parents and grandparents are not the best judges of our children’s actions or potential since we are unduly biased by love. We try to be objective in our evaluation, but its hard. It seems especially hard as a grandparent since we are not usually charged with the guidance role that parents must assume. We can influence, but only at the margin. We also want to give unconditional love, not only because we have learned that is what grandparents are supposed to do, but because as we slow down and realize that life does not go on forever, we want to be remembered fondly by our descendants, so we embrace them rather than criticize them whenever we can.
Unless you count Snapchat, Instagram and FaceTime, I probably only see and am with my granddaughters five or six times a year at most. I tend to think that is the right amount, but who knows about such things. What I do know is that I think that lack of continuous presence allows me more ability to be objective about them. I see other kids like relatives with greater frequency and while there is familial warmth and love towards them, it is not the same as what I feel for my own granddaughters. I doubt anyone would object to that or be surprised by that. And so, here is my bottom line on my two granddaughters; I think they are amazing.
They say that kids can be cruel, so I suppose I should not be surprised if I see elements of that in any kids, even my granddaughters, but I have not seen that in these girls. I like that they are smart. I like that that they are objectively pretty little fair-haired girls. I like that they both seem to be athletic and are well-liked. But what I really like is that they have calm, empathetic and compassionate souls. I want the world to be a better place. As Dionne Warwick sang, what the world needs now is love sweet love. I think success, however you choose to define it, is a wonderful thing and it leads to fulfillment and, hopefully, happiness. I want my offspring to be happy, so I want them to be successful. But what I really want is for them to be kind. I think that for the long run health of our planet and species, that is a very important thing. It strikes me that in the most objective way that I can assess that, both Charlotte and Evelyn are kind people, and that very much pleases me. Being kind is cool.