Anger is a basic human emotion characterized by feelings of displeasure, hostility, or antagonism toward someone or something perceived as threatening, frustrating, or unjust. It’s one of the fundamental emotions that all humans experience, alongside joy, sadness, fear, surprise, and disgust. Physiologically, anger triggers the body’s “fight or flight” response, releasing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Heart rate and blood pressure increase, muscles tense, and breathing becomes more rapid. People may experience a rush of energy and heightened alertness or anger may come on like a slow boil. The most common triggers for anger include feeling threatened, disrespected, or treated unfairly. There can also be anger from unmet goals or expectations, witnessing injustice or harm to others, and of course, from physical discomfort or stress. The purpose of anger in a primordial sense is that anger serves to motivate us to defend ourselves, stand up for our values, address problems, and communicate that boundaries have been crossed. It can provide energy to overcome obstacles and signal to others that something needs to change. While anger itself is normal and sometimes useful, how we express it matters greatly. Healthy anger management involves recognizing the emotion early, understanding its source, and channeling it into productive action rather than destructive behavior. This might mean having difficult conversations, setting boundaries, or working to change problematic situations. The key is learning to experience anger without being controlled by it, using its energy to address legitimate concerns while maintaining relationships and personal well-being. We all have to come up with those strategies that work best for us individually.
Managing anger effectively involves both immediate strategies for heated moments and longer-term approaches for building emotional regulation skills. You often hear that its important to “count to ten” or take a pause before reacting. Even a few seconds can prevent impulsive responses you might regret. The knee jerk may have worked in times past to keep the gonads safe from harm, but a knee jerk that lands on the jaw of someone in polite society may prove irrecoverable. Physical distance can also help – stepping away from the situation gives your nervous system time to settle and for you to think things through. Catching anger early makes it much easier to manage. Some people find it helpful to mentally narrate what’s happening: “I’m feeling angry because…” This creates space between the emotion and your response. I always find sleeping on it helps me a great deal. If I still feel aggrieved in the morning, it probably means I have to address whatever imbalance created the anger. If I have calmed down and the need for action has dissolved, that too is a valuable answer.
I can think of a few times in my life when I had a flashpoint anger response. Most often it was in defense of another. It became an almost out-of-body experience and felt surreal during the episode. I’m certain that was an adrenaline response versus a cortisol driven response. Adrenaline helps you get the immediate boost you need to deal with an emergency and cortisol helps you cope with longer term stressors. I suspect that my size makes me both more immune to dramatic immediate fear response, but then again, it also holds me back from overreacting. It is a very learned behavior for a big person to refrain from lashing out for fear of accusation of unfair or bullying response. Big people fear being cast in the light of the bully.
Among the healthy ways to express and release anger, some people suggest that physical movement can be incredibly effective – going for a walk, doing jumping jacks, or even vigorous cleaning helps metabolize the stress hormones. Others who must be more like me suggest that writing about your feelings can help you process what’s really bothering you. Everyone suggests talking to someone you trust, but focusing on understanding your feelings rather than just venting repeatedly. Sometimes anger is masking other emotions like hurt, fear, or disappointment, so exploring what’s underneath can be revealing. I tend to choose to discuss my thoughts with Kim and to write a story to purge my soul of those debilitating emotions which may protect us in primordial moments of need, but which more often than not, burn holes in our stomach in modern life if not expelled.
I know angry people or people who are quick to anger. I also know people who rarely get angry, but when they do, its hard to miss or ignore. I tend to think of myself as the latter type, but I will admit that lately I’ve wondered if I’m slipping into the former type thanks to our outrageous political environment. I was recently told by a Republican friend that he feels I am grumpy (euphemism for angry?) every day about Trump. He may be right. I do believe that those who can control and minimize their anger have more effective impact when they do feel the need to vent. I have often said that I believe that complex communication skills are the most defining of human traits. That ability (along with opposable thumbs, I suppose) makes us the superior species on earth. Practicing assertive communication and learning to express our needs and boundaries clearly before frustrations build up seems important. Avoiding the swing between being passive (letting things slide) and aggressive (exploding), and favoring assertiveness seems to offer a valuable middle path. Keeping your anger proportional to the situation is also important. Sometimes we react too strongly because current events remind us of past hurts or unresolved issues. Having the time to sort that out is essential to controlling anger.
Something someone said to Kim and which she relayed to me has made me very angry. It was directed at her, but also very much involved me. It made me very angry, first because Kim does not deserve such castigations and secondly because my generosity towards that person deserved more respect. This is not a totally unique occurrence in our lives. We have had other similar events and they all take more or less the same form. I provide the economic foundation for some kindness because I can and Kim delivers the emotional kindness out of the goodness of her heart. And then, for one reason or another, the person wants more or cannot handle the overall kindness for some reason and lashes out, usually towards Kim. Lashing out towards me is not so likely as I do not seem the sort to tolerate that, but Kim is all sweetness and light, so she becomes the target. The anger comes from several places for me. I am angry at anything done against Kim. I can easily get angry when I feel I have been disrespected or my good nature is taken advantage of. The combination of the two is toxic to me. I don’t usually flare out, but I do go through a process that can only be described as a sick burn. Not so much “sick burn” as slang for a really clever, cutting, or devastating insult or comeback. Rather, while brutally accurate in its understanding, a slow and pointed reaction with an abundance of malice towards the instigator with little hope of forgiveness (from me…Kim has a less rigid standard on this). On these occasions, I am prepared to risk causing harm, either to relationships, or literally to myself. There is an argument to suggest that in certain situations, expressing anger won’t lead to productive change but will create more problems. That’s why I try to be judicious and careful in its deployment, but there are always repercussions, some OK and some regretful.
My recent anger hit particularly hard because it involves multiple violations – ingratitude for generosity (from both Kim and me), dishonesty (saying one thing to my face while doing another behind my back), and disloyalty to Kim’s friendship. Sometimes people talk negatively about others due to their own insecurities or issues, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior or mean we should ignore the breach of trust. Our generosity toward others shouldn’t depend on getting perfect treatment in return, but we also don’t need to continue being generous with people who demonstrate they don’t value or respect us.
What to do now? I can trust this anger and feel it’s highlighting a legitimate breach of basic relationship integrity, or I can just let it go and let life go on. It is now sunny and warm. I think I will let it go and just agree that writing this dispersed the anger into the ozone.