A Twenty Year Time Capsule
I stumbled across this story I wrote twenty years ago in rapt self-reflection. I find it interesting and worth sharing exactly because it was written in 2001, when the world was a very different place…at least from my vantage point. I have added [bracketed updated notations] as appropriate.
I stand here at age 47 as a man in trouble. I believe my greatest assets are my ability to be candidly self-aware, my general enthusiasm for my undertakings and my penchant for achievement or accomplishment. The darker side of these traits are a higher than normal sensitivity (I tend to care too much), unbounded passion leading to a need for approval/affection and an obsession for responsibility. Add to this mix the overriding tendency to evaluate all things with high degrees or reason. I will assess my sense for the basis of these traits at the end of this evaluation, but will now focus on their manifestations. [All still true.]
Why am I in trouble? I am morbidly obese (in a clinical sense) and will undoubtedly, despite generally good health, suffer increasing health problems. My enjoyment of physical activity is waning not by choice, but by necessity. This runs the risk of eliminating a major source of joy whether on the ski slopes, swimming, bicycling or just walking. Non-specific resentment and bitterness are the result. This declining health also puts me prematurely in a state of mind where I feel I am in the latter stages of my professional life rather than in my prime. [I had a lapband installed in 2006 and now weigh 130 pounds less though still not at fighting weight. I no longer ski and get my exercise in my hillside garden.]
Based on my previous accomplishments (which are numerous), I have a sense of entitlement vis-à-vis such issues as respect, which may be unhealthy. Since we live in a “what have you done lately” world, my need for self-respect is growing as external validation is harder to come by. And self-respect comes from accomplishment and self-appreciation, both of which are in a vicious circle of depletion. [Some of my finest moments and biggest debacles still lay ahead.]
My personal (family) life is equally driven by this triumvirate of traits: sensitivity (particularly to issues of respect), passion (unbridled and seeking approval) and responsibility. With my ex-wife, I have exhibited a total sense of responsibility and have struck a fair balance of affection and respect. I still fully support her. With my oldest son (age 19), I have a warm and nurturing relationship with a tendency to over-indulge based on a mixture of shared passion (he takes after me in this regard) and not an unsubstantial sense of guilt over abandonment. As he gets older, there is some conflict between this indulgence and my need to imbue a sense of responsibility in him. As for my daughter (age 15), she is the image of her mother in all the positive ways and while we enjoy a warm relationship, she has constrained ability to give or receive affection. I would love to give her a greater sense of passion, but will likely settle for mutual respect. [Not sure why I did not mention my youngest son, who was 6 at the time, but that comes later.] As for my siblings, Kathy (50) and Barbara (49), I have a friendly rapport with only moderate warmth and an overriding sense of responsibility to help them financially wherever possible. I have done so occasionally over the years. I enjoy a warm and close relationship with my mother (84) governed by deep respect for her and great appreciation for all that she has given me on all fronts. My father died seven years ago at age 70. I had no meaningful relationship with him, but showed him no ire. He was lacking in a parental sense of responsibility but was long on both passion and need for respect (without regard to his lack responsibility.) [Still an excellent rapport with my first wife, both older kids married happily and my daughter has two lovely daughters of their own for whom (she has found her own path to family affection). Sisters are fine and we are all closer, rather than more distant. My mother died at age 100 after a full and productive life.]
My greatest personal challenge is with my second wife. Without indulging any desire to analyze her, I would objectively say that we have a difficult and strained relationship that is very volatile. I have the utmost respect for her caring for people in general and the way in which she has bonded with both my extended family and children. She even enjoys a pleasant relationship with my ex-wife. She and I also have a similar sense of style and enjoy similar lifestyles. Where we come apart are on issues of responsibility, reason and affection. While she is generally a very responsible person in my eyes, she does not “take” responsibility in a manner consistent with my definition and it tends to irritate me. It is almost as if I want or need her to verbalize her duty or blame in a manner like I do. She also reasons differently from me (somewhat non-sequentially) and I find I have diminished respect for her because of it. As for affection, as our marriage has run its difficult course, her willingness to show affection for me has declined to near nil and this greatly bothers me. The result is a series of difficult interactions that seem to emanate from one of these three areas. It is most often a matter of disrespecting her or her manner of expression, sometimes an argument over affection or lack thereof, and sometimes an issue of blame and “taking” responsibility. The interactions are increasingly characterized by extreme rage on both parts. For my part, I find I get triggered and lose control far too easily. Separation seems always on the edge of consideration. [ this marriage ended in divorce and things are now on a more even keel though I doubt either of us has fundamentally changed.]
My youngest son ( age 6) is an emotional child, who has been caught in the middle of this complex and turbulent setting. He has bonded well with his half siblings and he has a loving, but very separate relationship with his mother and me. He has a great need for affection and an equally great need for guidance since he is self indulgent in ways displayed by me (eating and TV) and his mother (sleep pattern and rationalization.) My belief is that he absolutely needs the balancing influence I bring to his upbringing and that any separation or absence would do him far more harm than good. [He is a wonderful, sensitive and caring man now, with a solid career and on the verge of marriage.]
My chosen lifestyle is very complex beyond just the family configuration. I have 4 homes and a cadre of people who support our lifestyle. These support staff, Tom in Quiogue, Deb in Utah, Cousin Pete in Ithaca and Ewa and Fernando in New York are a big part of my expense base. Additionally, I acknowledge a tendency to cross boundaries with these people (indeed, Pete is a cousin) and become friends as well as employees. My personal style is to befriend these people and I then end up having a strong sense of responsibility for them. A simpler, less indulgent and less burdensome lifestyle would clearly be preferable. [Tom died young, Deb is fine and in a solid relationship, Pete is an even closer friend to my family, Ewa is retired. Fernando is MIA.]
These patterns repeat themselves even in social interaction. My involvements include several charities (Cornell, CARE and Blue Heron Theatre.) I give heavily to each and I am extremely active in a leadership capacity with the first two. Just as with my support staff, I take on excessive responsibility relative to any of my peers (and have received commensurate and gratifying kudos therefore.) My greatest hobby is motorcycling and I have organized a club with 30 or so members. I do a disproportionate amount of the organizational work including ride planning and website maintenance and am “loved, hated and admired” for it, all at the same time. I seem to be passionate, responsibility-oriented and overly sensitive in all my personal dealings. [All still true.]
My work situation does not differ greatly with the exception that I believe I can somewhat minimize my sensitivity and be more professional. Nonetheless, I tend to be a natural leader/nurturer. Even in my current partnership (4 partners) I am the beast of burden who raised the bulk of the capital (93%), generated the bulk of the deals (70+%) and has responsibility for the bulk of the investments (5 of 10). Even the Associates and office staff tend to look to me as the key decision maker. We organized as an equal partnership (compensation and shares) and yet everyone would acknowledge my dominance and no one (least of all me) is pushing for any reallocation. Thus, this is yet another example of taking on excessive responsibility and perhaps being too generous. [This ended well and the value added came into near perfect balance, which is quite telling.]
Perhaps the worst example of boundary crossing is exhibited in my friendship with my best friends for 30 years. I have regularly lent him money over the years and while he pays me interest, he is dependent on me. Recently I funded his entrepreneurial effort and then allowed my partners to agree to fund it further while I was lead partner on the investment. I ultimately cut him too much slack and he failed anyway, so I sought to shut down the effort. This resulted in very hard feelings and difficult discussions (including some rage expression on my part) and finally an attempt on his part for legal action against me and my having to take countermeasures. In all likelihood, this has ended a dear friendship. [ Our friendship was never revived and he is now dead, rest his soul.]
So, why am I in trouble? I have significant boundary issues brought on by a combination of my complex lifestyle and excessive generosity (perhaps spurred on by a need to nurture to seek affection and respect.) My excessive sense of responsibility sometimes perpetuates these situations and sometimes brings them into conflict. The interplay amongst them creates (perhaps in conjunction with the health issues mentioned) a building sense of rage, which, while not superficially apparent, is becoming increasingly and troublingly more frequent. I find I handle loss of control less and less well. These situations, work, home or social are being handled badly and causing me and others damage. [Still happening, but much less so now.]
I would assess the root cause of many of these problems to be in my upbringing. My father’s departure at age 4 followed by his ongoing ability to assume any responsibility for my siblings and me sets up my issues on responsibility. His absence and my mother’s career efforts (she went back to grad school at age 45) left little room for affection. What nurturing I got from my mother all revolved around education, career and achievement. Her work ethic, drive and responsibility towards her children was a stark contrast to my father’s passionate and irresponsible pursuits. As a man I have a childlike need for approval and affection. I also overindulge myself with food and other gratifications. On the other hand, I am too “adult” when it comes to responsibility and overwhelm everyone with a combination of generosity and reciprocal need for the assumption of responsibility.
The answer (were it so easy!) would seem to be in simplifying, easing off on the burden bearing, chilling out, much better control of my eating, and worrying less about being loved than about loving. [A sound conclusion and a path mostly taken. It is 20 years later and as I look back, the best thing that happened to me in those intervening years was to meet and marry Kim, who has done more to show me a peaceful path than anyone could have imagined. Happy ending so far and no plans to regress.]